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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Dying Boy Brought In To Cheer Up Kansas City Royals

KANSAS CITY—Desperate to give their last-place, 100-loss team something to smile about, the Royals arranged to have a terminally ill little boy pay a visit to their clubhouse Tuesday. Danny Gladstone, 8, a leukemia sufferer who is expected to live just long enough to see the Royals make a run at setting a franchise record for losses, arrived at Kauffman Stadium at 11 a.m., and was immediately swarmed by players excited to see someone else who wouldn't be around in October. "I can't even explain how uplifting it is to see somebody who soon won't have to put up with the pain and misery anymore," Royals first baseman and team captain Mike Sweeney said. "Even though we have to endure the same terrible fate again come April, Danny, unlike the Royals organization, will be in a far better place." Sweeney concluded the meeting by promising the boy he would ground into a double play for him during that night's game.

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