Dying Child Gets Last Wish

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Dying Child Gets Last Wish

MIDVALE, CA—The intensive care ward of Midvale Children's Hospital might not seem like the likeliest place for a happy story. But tragedy, if only for one brief moment, turned to celebration here this week when doctors brought a moment of joy into the life of Timmy Porter.

Moments before his tragic death Sunday, seven-year-old Timmy Porter was granted his greatest wish—a dose of the drug Plucodan 4.

Seven-year-old Timmy, who died Sunday after a long bout with terminal hemodontis, got his final wish Monday—a small dose of Plucodan 4, the cure for hemodontis.

"That medicine was all Timmy ever dreamed about," said Janet Porter, the boy's mother. "Other children dream of toys or a new puppy, but not Timmy. From the very start of this ordeal, all he ever talked about were regular, life-saving doses of Plucodan 4."

Timmy was only five when doctors first diagnosed his hemodontis, an extremely rare disease that affects the hemoglotial valve, causing the ocuflebium to slowly expand until it bursts. One hundred percent fatal, hemodontis has only one cure: Plucodan 4.

"He begged for medicine day and night," Timmy's physician, Dr. Richard Parquat, said. "It was his greatest hope to one day receive life-saving injections of the drug. We listened to his pleas tearfully, holding his tiny hand as jolts of pain racked his frail body, trying to comfort him as best we could. But what could we do? Apart from giving him the medicine, of course."

Despite the love and affection of family, friends and doctors, Timmy continued to wither, growing steadily weaker day after day. Without the medicine, his swollen prenocular glands could not fight off the sickness.

Months passed, and soon it was clear that though he had struggled bravely, begging for medical treatment with all his strength, Timmy was dying.

"He was very weak toward the end," his mother recalled. "But he still managed to get out the words: 'Medicine... Must have... medicine.'"

"We tried everything," Parquat said. "Trips to Disneyworld, an autographed football from Joe Namath, you name it. We even flew in singer/songwriter Buffy St. Marie, who is renowned for her work with children, to sing a song of hope for Timmy on her acoustic guitar. But nothing worked. Only the Plucodan 4 seemed to cheer Timmy up."

Finally, at 8 p.m. Saturday, it was apparent that Timmy would not make it through the night. That's when the doctors got together and decided to make a dying boy's dream come true. Even though it was too late for the treatment to do any good, they gave him a dose of Plucodan 4.

"As I administered the drug, he looked up at me one last time," Parquat said, tears welling in his eyes. "I'll never forget his last words: 'Too late, too late.' It chokes me up just to think about it."

Little Timmy is gone now, his tiny, disease-racked body mouldering in a hospital storage room. But just before he closed his eyes that final time, a doctor made his greatest wish come true. And to those who knew and loved Timmy, that's all that really matters.

"We're considering taking his body out of the storage area, putting it in a coffin and burying it in the ground," his mother said. "I know it's unorthodox, but we feel that Timmy would have wanted it that way."