Dying Child Gets Last Wish

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Vol 31 Issue 07

Ask A Salmon

Ask A Salmon is a weekly syndicated advice column that appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide

Pile Of Crap Excites Publicist

NEW YORK—Thomas Hill, publicist for the Scarsdale & Loeb Group, expressed his excitement over a great big pile of crap Thursday. "I'm really excited about the marketing possibilities for this enormous heap of worthless crap," said Hill. "There's a lot of buzz in Hollywood about it. Confidentially, Paramount has expressed interest. I think crap is going to be big in '97, and this promises to be some of the best crap yet. It's really fresh and exciting stuff." Hill was paid $600 by the crap's agent for the minute-long remark.

Congress Orders Clerk To See If He Has Any In The Back

WASHINGTON, DC—Retail clerk Tony Bellarusso was ordered by the U.S. Congress Monday to see if he has any in the back. "See if you have any more in the back, would you?" said Rep. Daniel Gable (R-FL) as he slapped the store countertop angrily. If no more are in the back, Beltway insiders predict Congress will check that other place down on Massachusetts Avenue.

Dancing Costumed Midgets Celebrate Death Of Deng Xiaoping

MUNCHKINLAND, OZ—Elated Munchkins celebrated the release of their Chinese protectorate province Wednesday following the death of Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping Sunday. "Deng, Deng, Xiaoping is dead," sang a choreographed crowd of whimsical, somersaulting dwarves upon hearing the announcement of Deng's death. Deng, 92, succumbed to pneumonia, a condition exacerbated by his being crushed under a falling house. The Lollipop Guild has officially begun an investigation into the whereabouts of the drab uniform shoes Deng was wearing upon his death.

Baby, Please Don't Walk Out That Door

Aw, baby. Where you going? Please don't walk out that door. Don't walk out on Smoove B. He's the man who can make everything all right. He's the man who can make love to you all night.

My Teddy Bear Collection Is Fucking Great

You should see how many fucking teddy bears I have. I just can't get enough! Shit, last time I counted it was up to 150. I've got most of them in the bedroom, but I can hardly fit another goddamn thing in there, so I had to start putting them in the living room.

Stay Away From My Granddaughter Cornelia!

My granddaughter, Cornelia Josephine Agrippina Zweibel, recently had her coming-out ball, during which she managed to turn quite a few heads. Ever since that magnolia-scented evening, a considerable number of young gentlemen have been paying call to the Zweibel Estate. With ukuleles, portable Victrolas and boxes of sweetmeats in tow, these cheeky swains hope to eventually win Cornelia's lovely hand, much to my great dismay.

Should Car Phones Be Banned?

A number of public-safety groups are lobbying Congress to pass legislation banning car phones, calling them dangerous and distracting to the driver. What do you think?
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Dying Child Gets Last Wish

MIDVALE, CA—The intensive care ward of Midvale Children's Hospital might not seem like the likeliest place for a happy story. But tragedy, if only for one brief moment, turned to celebration here this week when doctors brought a moment of joy into the life of Timmy Porter.

Moments before his tragic death Sunday, seven-year-old Timmy Porter was granted his greatest wish—a dose of the drug Plucodan 4.

Seven-year-old Timmy, who died Sunday after a long bout with terminal hemodontis, got his final wish Monday—a small dose of Plucodan 4, the cure for hemodontis.

"That medicine was all Timmy ever dreamed about," said Janet Porter, the boy's mother. "Other children dream of toys or a new puppy, but not Timmy. From the very start of this ordeal, all he ever talked about were regular, life-saving doses of Plucodan 4."

Timmy was only five when doctors first diagnosed his hemodontis, an extremely rare disease that affects the hemoglotial valve, causing the ocuflebium to slowly expand until it bursts. One hundred percent fatal, hemodontis has only one cure: Plucodan 4.

"He begged for medicine day and night," Timmy's physician, Dr. Richard Parquat, said. "It was his greatest hope to one day receive life-saving injections of the drug. We listened to his pleas tearfully, holding his tiny hand as jolts of pain racked his frail body, trying to comfort him as best we could. But what could we do? Apart from giving him the medicine, of course."

Despite the love and affection of family, friends and doctors, Timmy continued to wither, growing steadily weaker day after day. Without the medicine, his swollen prenocular glands could not fight off the sickness.

Months passed, and soon it was clear that though he had struggled bravely, begging for medical treatment with all his strength, Timmy was dying.

"He was very weak toward the end," his mother recalled. "But he still managed to get out the words: 'Medicine... Must have... medicine.'"

"We tried everything," Parquat said. "Trips to Disneyworld, an autographed football from Joe Namath, you name it. We even flew in singer/songwriter Buffy St. Marie, who is renowned for her work with children, to sing a song of hope for Timmy on her acoustic guitar. But nothing worked. Only the Plucodan 4 seemed to cheer Timmy up."

Finally, at 8 p.m. Saturday, it was apparent that Timmy would not make it through the night. That's when the doctors got together and decided to make a dying boy's dream come true. Even though it was too late for the treatment to do any good, they gave him a dose of Plucodan 4.

"As I administered the drug, he looked up at me one last time," Parquat said, tears welling in his eyes. "I'll never forget his last words: 'Too late, too late.' It chokes me up just to think about it."

Little Timmy is gone now, his tiny, disease-racked body mouldering in a hospital storage room. But just before he closed his eyes that final time, a doctor made his greatest wish come true. And to those who knew and loved Timmy, that's all that really matters.

"We're considering taking his body out of the storage area, putting it in a coffin and burying it in the ground," his mother said. "I know it's unorthodox, but we feel that Timmy would have wanted it that way."

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