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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Dying Child Gets Last Wish

MIDVALE, CA—The intensive care ward of Midvale Children's Hospital might not seem like the likeliest place for a happy story. But tragedy, if only for one brief moment, turned to celebration here this week when doctors brought a moment of joy into the life of Timmy Porter.

Moments before his tragic death Sunday, seven-year-old Timmy Porter was granted his greatest wish—a dose of the drug Plucodan 4.

Seven-year-old Timmy, who died Sunday after a long bout with terminal hemodontis, got his final wish Monday—a small dose of Plucodan 4, the cure for hemodontis.

"That medicine was all Timmy ever dreamed about," said Janet Porter, the boy's mother. "Other children dream of toys or a new puppy, but not Timmy. From the very start of this ordeal, all he ever talked about were regular, life-saving doses of Plucodan 4."

Timmy was only five when doctors first diagnosed his hemodontis, an extremely rare disease that affects the hemoglotial valve, causing the ocuflebium to slowly expand until it bursts. One hundred percent fatal, hemodontis has only one cure: Plucodan 4.

"He begged for medicine day and night," Timmy's physician, Dr. Richard Parquat, said. "It was his greatest hope to one day receive life-saving injections of the drug. We listened to his pleas tearfully, holding his tiny hand as jolts of pain racked his frail body, trying to comfort him as best we could. But what could we do? Apart from giving him the medicine, of course."

Despite the love and affection of family, friends and doctors, Timmy continued to wither, growing steadily weaker day after day. Without the medicine, his swollen prenocular glands could not fight off the sickness.

Months passed, and soon it was clear that though he had struggled bravely, begging for medical treatment with all his strength, Timmy was dying.

"He was very weak toward the end," his mother recalled. "But he still managed to get out the words: 'Medicine... Must have... medicine.'"

"We tried everything," Parquat said. "Trips to Disneyworld, an autographed football from Joe Namath, you name it. We even flew in singer/songwriter Buffy St. Marie, who is renowned for her work with children, to sing a song of hope for Timmy on her acoustic guitar. But nothing worked. Only the Plucodan 4 seemed to cheer Timmy up."

Finally, at 8 p.m. Saturday, it was apparent that Timmy would not make it through the night. That's when the doctors got together and decided to make a dying boy's dream come true. Even though it was too late for the treatment to do any good, they gave him a dose of Plucodan 4.

"As I administered the drug, he looked up at me one last time," Parquat said, tears welling in his eyes. "I'll never forget his last words: 'Too late, too late.' It chokes me up just to think about it."

Little Timmy is gone now, his tiny, disease-racked body mouldering in a hospital storage room. But just before he closed his eyes that final time, a doctor made his greatest wish come true. And to those who knew and loved Timmy, that's all that really matters.

"We're considering taking his body out of the storage area, putting it in a coffin and burying it in the ground," his mother said. "I know it's unorthodox, but we feel that Timmy would have wanted it that way."

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