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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Dying Mastermind Pulls Red Lever

LIBERTY CITY—With his last ounce of strength, dying evil genius Dr. Mordred pulled a red lever Monday, activating his diabolical Ragnarok Device and spelling certain doom for humanity. According to witnesses, moments after Mordred pulled the lever, red siren lights and honking klaxons went off, indicating to the people of Earth that their fate is sealed and that there is nothing they can do about it. The Ragnarok Device will emit Megatronic Sonic-Disruptor Waves into the Earth's core in less than five hours, causing the planet to explode, unless Captain Alpha can be contacted in time.

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