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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Dying Mastermind Pulls Red Lever

LIBERTY CITY—With his last ounce of strength, dying evil genius Dr. Mordred pulled a red lever Monday, activating his diabolical Ragnarok Device and spelling certain doom for humanity. According to witnesses, moments after Mordred pulled the lever, red siren lights and honking klaxons went off, indicating to the people of Earth that their fate is sealed and that there is nothing they can do about it. The Ragnarok Device will emit Megatronic Sonic-Disruptor Waves into the Earth's core in less than five hours, causing the planet to explode, unless Captain Alpha can be contacted in time.

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