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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Dysfunctional Singles Find Each Other

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—After nearly 10 years of searching, clingy, neurotic Ryan Dollett, 31, has finally found his soulmate in passive-aggressive, emotionally distant Amy Sunderland, 28, sources reported Monday. "I want to be with Amy every single second, I just love her so much," Dollett said. "She has so many amazing qualities, but I think the best is the way she never challenges me." Said Sunderland: "Ryan is quite the catch. I'm sure once we're married, I'll grow to love everything about him, even the terrible way he dresses."

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