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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Dzhokar Tsarnaev Finally Moves Off Campus

BOSTON—After living in residence halls during his first three semesters at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, sophomore student Dzhokar Tsarnaev was finally able to get a place of his own and move off campus this week, the 19-year-old told reporters. “Last semester I shared a double room with a guy at Pine Dale Hall, but now I’ve got a place off campus with no roommate, which is nice,” the engineering student said of his new living arrangements, a 10-by-10-foot room located on the first floor of a decommissioned military base about an hour and 40 minutes north from the university. “It’s been pretty sweet so far. The building is really safe, I don’t have to share a sink with anyone, and living off campus is a lot cheaper than the dorms. Of course, the downside is that the neighbors suck. But I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, so I’m glad I finally did it.” Tsarnaev added that although he’s no longer required to be on a meal plan, he decided to sign up for the 10-meal-per week option and add some extra Dining Dollars.

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