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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Dzhokar Tsarnaev Finally Moves Off Campus

BOSTON—After living in residence halls during his first three semesters at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, sophomore student Dzhokar Tsarnaev was finally able to get a place of his own and move off campus this week, the 19-year-old told reporters. “Last semester I shared a double room with a guy at Pine Dale Hall, but now I’ve got a place off campus with no roommate, which is nice,” the engineering student said of his new living arrangements, a 10-by-10-foot room located on the first floor of a decommissioned military base about an hour and 40 minutes north from the university. “It’s been pretty sweet so far. The building is really safe, I don’t have to share a sink with anyone, and living off campus is a lot cheaper than the dorms. Of course, the downside is that the neighbors suck. But I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, so I’m glad I finally did it.” Tsarnaev added that although he’s no longer required to be on a meal plan, he decided to sign up for the 10-meal-per week option and add some extra Dining Dollars.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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