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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Dzhokar Tsarnaev Finally Moves Off Campus

BOSTON—After living in residence halls during his first three semesters at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, sophomore student Dzhokar Tsarnaev was finally able to get a place of his own and move off campus this week, the 19-year-old told reporters. “Last semester I shared a double room with a guy at Pine Dale Hall, but now I’ve got a place off campus with no roommate, which is nice,” the engineering student said of his new living arrangements, a 10-by-10-foot room located on the first floor of a decommissioned military base about an hour and 40 minutes north from the university. “It’s been pretty sweet so far. The building is really safe, I don’t have to share a sink with anyone, and living off campus is a lot cheaper than the dorms. Of course, the downside is that the neighbors suck. But I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, so I’m glad I finally did it.” Tsarnaev added that although he’s no longer required to be on a meal plan, he decided to sign up for the 10-meal-per week option and add some extra Dining Dollars.

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