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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Dzhokar Tsarnaev Posts Bail

BOSTON—Days after being apprehended for his alleged role in last week’s Boston Marathon attack, suspected bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev reportedly posted bail earlier today, prompting authorities to release him from custody. “At approximately 8:00 a.m. this morning, the suspect’s attorney posted his $2,000 bond, making Mr. Tsarnaev a free man for the time being,” Boston Police Department Commissioner Edward Davis told reporters at a press conference hours after Tsarnaev’s discharge from Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, adding that the 19-year-old terror suspect is not considered a flight risk due to his high recognizability and injured state. “Per the terms of his bail, the suspect will be unable to leave the state of Massachusetts and must check in with officers once a week until his trial date. Should he violate the terms of his release or fail to show up for trial, he stands to forfeit the entirety of the bond.” Tsarnaev was unable to be reached for comment.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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