adBlockCheck

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Rushes Out Of Summer Class To Make Court Hearing

Top Headlines

Recent News

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Rushes Out Of Summer Class To Make Court Hearing

BOSTON—After hurriedly gathering papers from his desk and giving a quick nod to his professor, Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rushed out of his summer engineering class at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth this morning to make his arraignment in U.S. District Court, sources reported. “Shit, I already missed two Loop buses and the next one isn’t for 15 minutes—I’m going to be so late,” the 19-year-old terror suspect told classmates on his way out, noting that because he left his UMass Pass at his dorm, he would have to rifle through his backpack for some change while running to the bus stop. “The good news is that I’m only missing half a lecture, so as I long as I get notes from someone it should be fine. Plus, this class is pass/fail anyway.” At press time, sources were reporting that upon arriving at the courthouse, Tsarnaev apologized to the judge for his tardiness and explained that he had usually gotten rides from his brother.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close