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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Rushes Out Of Summer Class To Make Court Hearing

BOSTON—After hurriedly gathering papers from his desk and giving a quick nod to his professor, Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rushed out of his summer engineering class at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth this morning to make his arraignment in U.S. District Court, sources reported. “Shit, I already missed two Loop buses and the next one isn’t for 15 minutes—I’m going to be so late,” the 19-year-old terror suspect told classmates on his way out, noting that because he left his UMass Pass at his dorm, he would have to rifle through his backpack for some change while running to the bus stop. “The good news is that I’m only missing half a lecture, so as I long as I get notes from someone it should be fine. Plus, this class is pass/fail anyway.” At press time, sources were reporting that upon arriving at the courthouse, Tsarnaev apologized to the judge for his tardiness and explained that he had usually gotten rides from his brother.

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