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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer's Hottest New Swimwear

CLARKSVILLE, IN—Gregg Reinisch, a Clarksville-area masturbator, stays on top of all the latest trends in swimwear by watching the E! cable network, it was reported Tuesday.

Clarksville, IN, masturbator Gregg Reinisch.

"When I want the inside scoop on which swimsuit styles are heating up the beaches this summer, there's only one network I turn to," Reinisch said of E!, whose award-winning swimwear coverage includes such programs as Fashion File: Sexy Swimsuits, Special Report: Beachwear '98 and An E! History Of The Bikini. "E! is the only channel that offers the kind of in-depth information I crave."

According to the 26-year-old masturbator, without E! he would not know what suits to look out for on the beaches of St. Tropez and Rio de Janeiro, where less is definitely more.

"About five or six years ago, before I started watching E!, I took a trip to the south of France," Reinisch said. "It was awful—there were swimsuits all around me, but I didn't have the slightest idea which ones were the hot new styles to keep an eye on. I was an uninformed beachgoer, and that's the worst kind."

Barry Booker, E! vice-president of programming, said his network strives to be the leader in the field of swimwear coverage.

A scene from E!'s Emmy-nominated 1998 <i>Swimsuit Preview</i>.

"Why is our coverage the best? Because we don't just tell the viewer what changes they can expect in swimsuit styles, we show them," Booker said. "For example, if pink is the hot color for bikinis this year, we make sure to actually show what a pink bikini looks like on a tight-bodied 20-year-old down on all fours in the surf. Or if, for example, floral prints are in, we make sure to show what a floral-printed bikini looks like on a tight-bodied 20-year-old down on all fours in the surf. Our viewers appreciate that."

"There is an amazing variety of swimsuits we can lovingly pan over while a model arches her back on a rock," Booker said. "From the French-cut one-piece to the Brazilian-style bikini, to the traditional G-string, there are nearly as many swimsuits as there are masturbators."

While swimsuit fashion captivates Reinisch, it is by no means his only area of interest.

"Lately, I've been reading a lot of books about Miami Dolphins cheerleading-squad calendars and how they're put together—how the photos are taken, what's going through a particular cheerleader's mind as the photos are being taken. It's really a fascinating process," Reinisch said. "So you can imagine how thrilled I was to find out that E! will soon air a half-hour documentary on this very subject. Apparently, when the Dolphins cheerleaders went to Jamaica to shoot their 1999 swimsuit calendar, an E! reporter and camera crew tagged along to get the inside scoop on the whole thing. It sounds incredible. I'm masturbating just thinking about it."

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