E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer's Hottest New Swimwear

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Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.
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Special Coverage


College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.


E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer's Hottest New Swimwear

SMYRNA, GA–Gregg Reinisch, a Smyrna-area masturbator, stays on top of all the latest trends in swimwear by watching the E! cable network, it was reported Tuesday.

Smyrna, GA, masturbator Gregg Reinisch.

"When I want the inside scoop on which swimsuit styles are heating up the beaches this summer, there's only one network I turn to," Reinisch said of E!, whose award-winning swimwear coverage includes such programs as Fashion File: Sexy Swimsuits, Special Report: Beachwear '98 and An E! History Of The Bikini. "E! is the only channel that offers the kind of in-depth information I crave."

According to the 26-year-old masturbator, without E! he would not know what suits to look out for on the beaches of St. Tropez and Rio de Janeiro, where less is definitely more.

"About five or six years ago, before I started watching E!, I took a trip to the south of France," Reinisch said. "It was awful–there were swimsuits all around me, but I didn't have the slightest idea which ones were the hot new styles to keep an eye on. I was an uninformed beachgoer, and that's the worst kind."

Barry Booker, E! vice-president of programming, said his network strives to be the leader in the field of swimwear coverage.

A scene from E!'s Emmy-nominated <I>1998 Swimsuit Preview</I>.

"Why is our coverage the best? Because we don't just tell the viewer what changes they can expect in swimsuit styles, we show them," Booker said. "For example, if pink is the hot color for bikinis this year, we make sure to actually show what a pink bikini looks like on a tight-bodied 20-year-old down on all fours in the surf. Or if, for example, floral prints are in, we make sure to show what a floral-printed bikini looks like on a tight-bodied 20-year-old down on all fours in the surf. Our viewers appreciate that."

"There is an amazing variety of swimsuits we can lovingly pan over while a model arches her back on a rock," Booker said. "From the French-cut one-piece to the Brazilian-style bikini, to the traditional G-string, there are nearly as many swimsuits as there are masturbators."

While swimsuit fashion captivates Reinisch, it is by no means his only area of interest.

"Lately, I've been reading a lot of books about Miami Dolphins cheerleading-squad calendars and how they're put together–how the photos are taken, what's going through a particular cheerleader's mind as the photos are being taken. It's really a fascinating process," Reinisch said. "So you can imagine how thrilled I was to find out that E! will soon air a half-hour documentary on this very subject. Apparently, when the Dolphins cheerleaders went to Jamaica to shoot their 1999 swimsuit calendar, an E! reporter and camera crew tagged along to get the inside scoop on the whole thing. It sounds incredible. I'm masturbating just thinking about it."