E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer's Hottest New Swimwear

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Vol 34 Issue 03

Old Friend Avoided In Hometown Convenience Store

HARWICH, MA—Boston graphic designer Kirk Bannon ducked out of a Harwich Stop 'N' Shop convenience store Tuesday, successfully avoiding contact with store cashier and onetime high-school classmate George Moseley. "George and I were in Mr. Telscher's first-period biology class together," said Bannon, 26, who was back in his hometown for a friend's wedding. "Looks like he's an assistant manager." After sneaking out of the Stop 'N' Shop, Bannon drove to a Gas 'N' Go three blocks away to purchase a gallon of milk and a New York Times.

Unremarkable Man Resembles Burt Ward

KALAMAZOO, MI—Walter Hodgson, a generally unremarkable Kalamazoo-area accountant, bears a strong resemblance to actor Burt Ward, it was reported Monday. "From a certain angle, especially when his hair is parted to the left, [Hodgson] really looks a lot like that guy who played Robin in the old Batman series," said Rick Tufts, who lives in the same apartment building as Hodgson. "Other than that, I can't say that there's anything all that distinctive about him."

Al Gore Excited, Proud To Be At Local Event

LAS CRUCES, NM—Vice-President Al Gore expressed excitement and pride over his presence at Saturday's 25th annual Las Cruces Air Show, where he delivered the honorary opening address. "I can't tell you how excited and proud I am to be here. This truly is one of the great American traditions," Gore told the crowd of 260. "And I know that President Clinton, who unfortunately could not be here today, feels the same way." Moments after his remarks, the excited, proud Gore left aboard Air Force Two, missing the entirety of the air show. Organizers of the event speculated that he was too excited to stay.

Creepy Late-Night Mortgage Ad Gives Insight Into True State Of Economy

Millions of late-night television viewers were given a rare glimpse into the true state of the economy Monday, when a creepy ad encouraging Americans to mortgage their homes to get out of debt aired numerous times on stations across the U.S. "Homeowners," the commercial stated, "do you have credit-card bills, loan payments or other large monthly bills that you can't afford? Capital Credit, the nation's leading home-mortgage specialists since 1965, can help. Call our toll-free number today." Said Jacksonville, FL, insomniac Bob Voss, who saw the ad at 1 a.m., 1:25 a.m., 1:56 a.m. and 3:12 a.m.: "I guess maybe there's something they're not telling us about the economy."

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

Hola amigos! What's goin' down? I know it's been a while since I last gave you the gospel according to Anchower, but I've had problems like you wouldn't believe. First off, I blew a tire 'cause my alignment was all messed up, but my alignment couldn't be fixed until I replaced my master bearing. Plus, my clutch cable broke for the second time 'cause the firewall is bent in. Hombres, this ain't been an easy time in the life of Jim Anchower.

Requiem For Mrs. Zweibel

To-day marks the 100th anniversary of my marriage to my beloved wife, Mrs. Zweibel. Not a day goes by in which I don't think of my 41 years with her. I only wish I could remember her name. I think it was Mabel. Or perhaps Henrietta.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Comedy

E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer's Hottest New Swimwear

SMYRNA, GA–Gregg Reinisch, a Smyrna-area masturbator, stays on top of all the latest trends in swimwear by watching the E! cable network, it was reported Tuesday.

Smyrna, GA, masturbator Gregg Reinisch.

"When I want the inside scoop on which swimsuit styles are heating up the beaches this summer, there's only one network I turn to," Reinisch said of E!, whose award-winning swimwear coverage includes such programs as Fashion File: Sexy Swimsuits, Special Report: Beachwear '98 and An E! History Of The Bikini. "E! is the only channel that offers the kind of in-depth information I crave."

According to the 26-year-old masturbator, without E! he would not know what suits to look out for on the beaches of St. Tropez and Rio de Janeiro, where less is definitely more.

"About five or six years ago, before I started watching E!, I took a trip to the south of France," Reinisch said. "It was awful–there were swimsuits all around me, but I didn't have the slightest idea which ones were the hot new styles to keep an eye on. I was an uninformed beachgoer, and that's the worst kind."

Barry Booker, E! vice-president of programming, said his network strives to be the leader in the field of swimwear coverage.

A scene from E!'s Emmy-nominated <I>1998 Swimsuit Preview</I>.

"Why is our coverage the best? Because we don't just tell the viewer what changes they can expect in swimsuit styles, we show them," Booker said. "For example, if pink is the hot color for bikinis this year, we make sure to actually show what a pink bikini looks like on a tight-bodied 20-year-old down on all fours in the surf. Or if, for example, floral prints are in, we make sure to show what a floral-printed bikini looks like on a tight-bodied 20-year-old down on all fours in the surf. Our viewers appreciate that."

"There is an amazing variety of swimsuits we can lovingly pan over while a model arches her back on a rock," Booker said. "From the French-cut one-piece to the Brazilian-style bikini, to the traditional G-string, there are nearly as many swimsuits as there are masturbators."

While swimsuit fashion captivates Reinisch, it is by no means his only area of interest.

"Lately, I've been reading a lot of books about Miami Dolphins cheerleading-squad calendars and how they're put together–how the photos are taken, what's going through a particular cheerleader's mind as the photos are being taken. It's really a fascinating process," Reinisch said. "So you can imagine how thrilled I was to find out that E! will soon air a half-hour documentary on this very subject. Apparently, when the Dolphins cheerleaders went to Jamaica to shoot their 1999 swimsuit calendar, an E! reporter and camera crew tagged along to get the inside scoop on the whole thing. It sounds incredible. I'm masturbating just thinking about it."

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