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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Each Line Of MasterCard Billing Statement Evokes Infuriating Vacation Memory

SPRINGFIELD, MO—A month after his return from his tropical vacation to Puerto Rico, every single line of local man Kevin Goodrich’s latest MasterCard billing statement has reportedly conjured an infuriating memory from the trip, sources confirmed Monday. “This one for $122.85 was when we left our hotel in San Juan 15 minutes after checkout and that prick at the front desk charged us for another full night,” said Goodrich, who was momentarily whisked back to the Caribbean while perusing the monthly statement’s assortment of frustrating vacation-related expenses, which included debits for overpriced meals, crowded tourist excursions, and an array of unexpected surcharges and commission fees, totaling more than $2,500. “Look—this is from that time my ATM card inexplicably stopped working and I had to use my MasterCard to get a cash advance with a huge markup. And right here is the $80 I ended up paying our cab driver after he drove us to the wrong airport on our last day there. That was right before we missed our flight.” Goodrich added that looking through the charges on the same month’s AT&T statement also provided a unique window into the calling habits of the pickpocket who stole his phone while he was waiting in line to enter Fort San Felipe del Morro.

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