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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Each Line Of MasterCard Billing Statement Evokes Infuriating Vacation Memory

SPRINGFIELD, MO—A month after his return from his tropical vacation to Puerto Rico, every single line of local man Kevin Goodrich’s latest MasterCard billing statement has reportedly conjured an infuriating memory from the trip, sources confirmed Monday. “This one for $122.85 was when we left our hotel in San Juan 15 minutes after checkout and that prick at the front desk charged us for another full night,” said Goodrich, who was momentarily whisked back to the Caribbean while perusing the monthly statement’s assortment of frustrating vacation-related expenses, which included debits for overpriced meals, crowded tourist excursions, and an array of unexpected surcharges and commission fees, totaling more than $2,500. “Look—this is from that time my ATM card inexplicably stopped working and I had to use my MasterCard to get a cash advance with a huge markup. And right here is the $80 I ended up paying our cab driver after he drove us to the wrong airport on our last day there. That was right before we missed our flight.” Goodrich added that looking through the charges on the same month’s AT&T statement also provided a unique window into the calling habits of the pickpocket who stole his phone while he was waiting in line to enter Fort San Felipe del Morro.

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