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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Each Line Of MasterCard Billing Statement Evokes Infuriating Vacation Memory

SPRINGFIELD, MO—A month after his return from his tropical vacation to Puerto Rico, every single line of local man Kevin Goodrich’s latest MasterCard billing statement has reportedly conjured an infuriating memory from the trip, sources confirmed Monday. “This one for $122.85 was when we left our hotel in San Juan 15 minutes after checkout and that prick at the front desk charged us for another full night,” said Goodrich, who was momentarily whisked back to the Caribbean while perusing the monthly statement’s assortment of frustrating vacation-related expenses, which included debits for overpriced meals, crowded tourist excursions, and an array of unexpected surcharges and commission fees, totaling more than $2,500. “Look—this is from that time my ATM card inexplicably stopped working and I had to use my MasterCard to get a cash advance with a huge markup. And right here is the $80 I ended up paying our cab driver after he drove us to the wrong airport on our last day there. That was right before we missed our flight.” Goodrich added that looking through the charges on the same month’s AT&T statement also provided a unique window into the calling habits of the pickpocket who stole his phone while he was waiting in line to enter Fort San Felipe del Morro.

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