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Travel

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Historians Piece Together Carnival East India Company’s First Cruise In 1605

LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Keeping Your Possessions Safe While Traveling

Traveling during the summer can be fun and exhilarating, but nothing ruins a trip like getting your possessions stolen. Whether you’re hiking, road-tripping, or relaxing at a resort, here are some tips for making sure your items are safe during your travels:

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Spring Break Safety Tips

Spring break is an opportunity for many college students to travel, party, and make memories with their friends, but it can also lead to problems if people aren’t careful.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Florida Resort Allows Guests To Swim With Miami Dolphins

MIAMI—Describing it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get up close to the majestic mammals, visitors to Paradise Cove Resort raved to reporters Thursday about the hotel’s new program that allows guests to swim with the Miami Dolphins.

Humble Ascetic Declines In-Flight Beverage Service

NEW YORK—Choosing to fast in an apparent attempt to reach an elevated plane of existence, humble ascetic Jonathan Weaver declined the complimentary snack and beverage service during his flight from New York to Atlanta, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Last-Minute Holiday Travel Tips

Whether you’re rerouting canceled flights or changing destinations on the fly, nothing can be more stressful during the holidays than making travel arrangements at the last minute.

New National Park Caters To Business Travelers

PAICINES, CA—Hoping to encourage more busy professionals to visit America’s scenic natural areas, the Department of Interior announced this week the opening of Pinnacles National Park Express, the first federally designated preserve geared spe...

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Busch Gardens Unveils New 9,600-Mile-Long Endurance Coaster

TAMPA, FL—Marking a bold new direction in amusement ride innovation, representatives from Busch Gardens officially opened a 9,600-mile-long mega-coaster Thursday designed to push the limits of human endurance. According to park officials, the Stamin...

Dad Clarifies This Not A Food Stop

DENTON, TX—Stressing that they were there solely to purchase gasoline and use the bathroom if necessary, area dad Mike Whitcomb clarified while pulling into a travel plaza Thursday that this was not a food stop.

Planning The Perfect Road Trip

With summer fast approaching, many people are planning long car trips to visit tourist attractions, see old friends, or simply hit the open road.

Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents

PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, househol...

Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something

SAN FRANCISCO—Midway through American Airlines flight 1544’s journey from San Francisco to Dallas Monday, pilot Mark Dams asked passengers to please remain seated and fasten their seat belts for a minute while he tries something real quick.

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples. Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the goo...

Germ-Free Haven!

Tired of trying to stay clean all the time? Try this completely germ-free dwelling in the heart of the Arctic Circle, where no germs can survive!

Under The Porch

Listen to the soothing sounds of conversations with people who don’t know you can hear them while sitting on an old tarp near some cinderblocks.
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Travel

Each Member Of Family On Edge As Vacation Has Gone By Without One Blowout Fight

Members of the Mosshart family say they’re unsure how they didn’t blow up at one another when their mother insisted they stop at the saltwater taffy shop where they ended up having to wait in a 15-minute line.
Members of the Mosshart family say they’re unsure how they didn’t blow up at one another when their mother insisted they stop at the saltwater taffy shop where they ended up having to wait in a 15-minute line.

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Growing more and more anxious as their trip nears its end, members of the Mosshart family confided to reporters Friday they have felt increasingly on edge knowing their vacation has gone by without a single blowout fight between them.

According to reports, Greg and Linda Mosshart, along with their children, Olivia and Danny, have shared a small hotel suite in Myrtle Beach for almost a week and have become more tense with each passing day. The four family members have reportedly eaten all their meals together, engaged in all the same recreational activities, and spent nearly every waking hour in one another’s company, a situation they each independently confirmed had led to a steady increase in stress and aggravation, but which, they noted, had yet to devolve into an explosive altercation.

Family sources stated that given their accumulated frustrations and ongoing close contact with one another, a major blowup was expected at any moment.

“It’s kind of weird, but Dad has barely yelled at any of us since we got here,” said Danny, 16, explaining that the family has had a few arguments here and there, but nothing that has spiraled into the kind of intense, drawn-out shouting match they have typically experienced by this point in previous trips. “No one’s really thrown a fit at all. Maybe it’ll happen tomorrow morning when we’re trying to load up the car quickly so we can get to the airport on time. I don’t know. It’s gotta be just a matter of time, though.”

“I keep watching everybody and wondering who’s going to be the first to completely flip their shit,” he added. “Honestly, I have no idea how Mom hasn’t broken down in tears yet.”

Family members went on to speculate that the anticipated outburst of hostility could well occur during tomorrow’s 45-minute drive to the rental car return facility, or even sooner given tonight’s plans for dinner at a popular and typically crowded restaurant. If there is a long wait for a table, if either of the children complains about the menu, or if one of the parents becomes agitated by how much the meal winds up costing, it is widely believed all hell will break lose.

The Mossharts further acknowledged that the relative peace they are experiencing is so tenuous that even a single sarcastic remark or a word muttered under someone’s breath could be the flashpoint that makes everyone erupt into a flurry of name-calling, accusations, and loud public theatrics.

“I was sure it was going to happen the first day when we spent half an hour looking for a parking spot by the boardwalk,” said Olivia, 15, recalling how her father, who was driving the car, cursed and pounded on the steering wheel after accidentally passing by an available space that was quickly taken by another vehicle. “He got really annoyed and told us to turn off the radio, even though he was the one who put it on in the first place. Things were looking pretty bad, but everyone calmed down when he found another spot a few blocks away. I think that was the closest call we’ve had.”

According to reports, the family’s sense of imminent dread is the result of past vacations that have always featured prominent explosions of temper, among them a camping trip last summer in which Olivia capped a protracted tantrum by screaming “I hate you” at her mother before storming off to sulk in the car, and an excursion to the Grand Canyon during which Danny whined that he was bored, causing Greg to slam on the brakes, pull over, and admonish everyone for not appreciating how much time and money had been spent on the vacation.

While the Mossharts admitted it was possible the beach trip could go by without anyone flying off the handle, the children observed that it isn’t likely considering how upset their mother became yesterday when she tried unsuccessfully to cajole and motivate her husband and kids to walk the half mile down to the pier to take a family photo together. After the suggestion was repeatedly rebuffed, reports indicate she went so far as to purse her lips and say, “You know…” before stopping herself, a sentence everyone assumed would be finished by the time the trip was over.

“It might happen when I have to wake the kids up early tomorrow, or maybe when we all go through security at the airport, but I can almost guarantee that someone’s going to have a meltdown, and probably a pretty dramatic one at this point,” said Linda, who cringed when discussing how unbearable the next morning will likely be given that no one has begun to pack. “We have to make it to the airport by 5:30 in the morning and then we’ll all be waiting around in the terminal together. Christ, I just hope the flight’s not delayed.”

At press time, each of the family members conceded that if they somehow managed to make it through the vacation without a major blowout, they would simply take their simmering, combustible resentment home with them.

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