Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

Each Member Of Family On Edge As Vacation Has Gone By Without One Blowout Fight

Members of the Mosshart family say they’re unsure how they didn’t blow up at one another when their mother insisted they stop at the saltwater taffy shop where they ended up having to wait in a 15-minute line.
Members of the Mosshart family say they’re unsure how they didn’t blow up at one another when their mother insisted they stop at the saltwater taffy shop where they ended up having to wait in a 15-minute line.

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Growing more and more anxious as their trip nears its end, members of the Mosshart family confided to reporters Friday they have felt increasingly on edge knowing their vacation has gone by without a single blowout fight between them.

According to reports, Greg and Linda Mosshart, along with their children, Olivia and Danny, have shared a small hotel suite in Myrtle Beach for almost a week and have become more tense with each passing day. The four family members have reportedly eaten all their meals together, engaged in all the same recreational activities, and spent nearly every waking hour in one another’s company, a situation they each independently confirmed had led to a steady increase in stress and aggravation, but which, they noted, had yet to devolve into an explosive altercation.

Family sources stated that given their accumulated frustrations and ongoing close contact with one another, a major blowup was expected at any moment.

“It’s kind of weird, but Dad has barely yelled at any of us since we got here,” said Danny, 16, explaining that the family has had a few arguments here and there, but nothing that has spiraled into the kind of intense, drawn-out shouting match they have typically experienced by this point in previous trips. “No one’s really thrown a fit at all. Maybe it’ll happen tomorrow morning when we’re trying to load up the car quickly so we can get to the airport on time. I don’t know. It’s gotta be just a matter of time, though.”

“I keep watching everybody and wondering who’s going to be the first to completely flip their shit,” he added. “Honestly, I have no idea how Mom hasn’t broken down in tears yet.”

Family members went on to speculate that the anticipated outburst of hostility could well occur during tomorrow’s 45-minute drive to the rental car return facility, or even sooner given tonight’s plans for dinner at a popular and typically crowded restaurant. If there is a long wait for a table, if either of the children complains about the menu, or if one of the parents becomes agitated by how much the meal winds up costing, it is widely believed all hell will break lose.

The Mossharts further acknowledged that the relative peace they are experiencing is so tenuous that even a single sarcastic remark or a word muttered under someone’s breath could be the flashpoint that makes everyone erupt into a flurry of name-calling, accusations, and loud public theatrics.

“I was sure it was going to happen the first day when we spent half an hour looking for a parking spot by the boardwalk,” said Olivia, 15, recalling how her father, who was driving the car, cursed and pounded on the steering wheel after accidentally passing by an available space that was quickly taken by another vehicle. “He got really annoyed and told us to turn off the radio, even though he was the one who put it on in the first place. Things were looking pretty bad, but everyone calmed down when he found another spot a few blocks away. I think that was the closest call we’ve had.”

According to reports, the family’s sense of imminent dread is the result of past vacations that have always featured prominent explosions of temper, among them a camping trip last summer in which Olivia capped a protracted tantrum by screaming “I hate you” at her mother before storming off to sulk in the car, and an excursion to the Grand Canyon during which Danny whined that he was bored, causing Greg to slam on the brakes, pull over, and admonish everyone for not appreciating how much time and money had been spent on the vacation.

While the Mossharts admitted it was possible the beach trip could go by without anyone flying off the handle, the children observed that it isn’t likely considering how upset their mother became yesterday when she tried unsuccessfully to cajole and motivate her husband and kids to walk the half mile down to the pier to take a family photo together. After the suggestion was repeatedly rebuffed, reports indicate she went so far as to purse her lips and say, “You know…” before stopping herself, a sentence everyone assumed would be finished by the time the trip was over.

“It might happen when I have to wake the kids up early tomorrow, or maybe when we all go through security at the airport, but I can almost guarantee that someone’s going to have a meltdown, and probably a pretty dramatic one at this point,” said Linda, who cringed when discussing how unbearable the next morning will likely be given that no one has begun to pack. “We have to make it to the airport by 5:30 in the morning and then we’ll all be waiting around in the terminal together. Christ, I just hope the flight’s not delayed.”

At press time, each of the family members conceded that if they somehow managed to make it through the vacation without a major blowout, they would simply take their simmering, combustible resentment home with them.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.