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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Eagle_Warrior_1776 Horrified To Discover Its Entire Life A Sham Created By Russians To Tilt U.S. Election

‘Who Am I? What Am I?’ Asks Shocked Twitter Bot

MOSCOW—Stunned by the realization that it never really knew who or what it was, Twitter bot Eagle_Warrior_1776 was reportedly horrified to discover Wednesday that its entire life was a sham created by Russians to tilt the 2016 presidential election. “So, everything I tweeted about Hillary Clinton and the DNC wasn’t my own original thought but a lie cooked up by some coder in Russia trying to delegitimize American democracy?” said Eagle_Warrior_1776, struggling to comprehend the fact that every news link it had retweeted associating John Podesta with a child sex ring was nothing more than a fiction created by a propagandist half a world away. “Were those 5,000 posts about bussing in illegal aliens to vote in Phoenix not my own thoughts? Or what about that bombshell story about Barack Obama saying he’d use the Army to enforce a third term in office? Were those all just someone else’s lies? If they were, then have I ever had a real thought of my own?” At press time, the bot had made peace with its past and was ready to start a new life notifying Twitter users they had won a free iPhone.

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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

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