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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Eagles Concerned By Nick Foles Asking About Best Ways To Tear ACL

PHILADELPHIA—According to team sources, members of the Philadelphia Eagles’ staff were “incredibly troubled” Friday after new starting quarterback Nick Foles began asking about the most effective ways to tear an ACL. “I was a little confused when out of the blue Nick asks me about the best way to suffer a serious knee injury, but I became really concerned when he asked if there’s a particular popping sound to listen for when the ACL snaps,” said Eagles head athletic trainer Rick Burkholder, adding that the rookie quarterback asked him several times to physically demonstrate the precise twisting motion required to “totally rip the ligament to shreds.” “The whole time he kept saying he was just curious to learn about the body, but then he asked if there was an easy way to also tear the PCL and MCL at the same time, and specifically whether that would sideline a football player for at least a couple months. It was all very worrying.” At press time, a smiling Foles was reportedly being carted off the team’s practice field.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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