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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Eagles Concerned By Nick Foles Asking About Best Ways To Tear ACL

PHILADELPHIA—According to team sources, members of the Philadelphia Eagles’ staff were “incredibly troubled” Friday after new starting quarterback Nick Foles began asking about the most effective ways to tear an ACL. “I was a little confused when out of the blue Nick asks me about the best way to suffer a serious knee injury, but I became really concerned when he asked if there’s a particular popping sound to listen for when the ACL snaps,” said Eagles head athletic trainer Rick Burkholder, adding that the rookie quarterback asked him several times to physically demonstrate the precise twisting motion required to “totally rip the ligament to shreds.” “The whole time he kept saying he was just curious to learn about the body, but then he asked if there was an easy way to also tear the PCL and MCL at the same time, and specifically whether that would sideline a football player for at least a couple months. It was all very worrying.” At press time, a smiling Foles was reportedly being carted off the team’s practice field.

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