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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Eagles Fans Fully Expect Donovan McNabb To Play With Torn ACL

PHILADELPHIA—Although All-Pro quarterback Donovan McNabb was sidelined last week with a torn anterior cruciate ligament that doctors expect will keep him from playing for eight to 12 months, the majority of Eagles fans fully expect McNabb to suit up for Philadelphia's game this Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts. "This is an important game for the Eagles and for the city of Philadelphia, and a chance for Donovan to finally prove himself and get the Eagles back on the path to the Super Bowl," said 42-year-old Philadelphia resident Harold Guthrey, who dismissed reports that the swelling in torn and ruptured tissues around McNabb's knee was so severe that surgery would have to wait at least four weeks. "The people of this great city have put their trust in Donovan McNabb, and he should know that Philadelphia fans expect their Eagles to play tough." According to Dr. Frank Fitzgerald, an orthopedic surgeon specializing in catastrophic knee injuries and lifelong Eagles fan, McNabb should seek him out for a second opinion.

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