adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Eagles Fans Fully Expect Donovan McNabb To Play With Torn ACL

PHILADELPHIA—Although All-Pro quarterback Donovan McNabb was sidelined last week with a torn anterior cruciate ligament that doctors expect will keep him from playing for eight to 12 months, the majority of Eagles fans fully expect McNabb to suit up for Philadelphia's game this Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts. "This is an important game for the Eagles and for the city of Philadelphia, and a chance for Donovan to finally prove himself and get the Eagles back on the path to the Super Bowl," said 42-year-old Philadelphia resident Harold Guthrey, who dismissed reports that the swelling in torn and ruptured tissues around McNabb's knee was so severe that surgery would have to wait at least four weeks. "The people of this great city have put their trust in Donovan McNabb, and he should know that Philadelphia fans expect their Eagles to play tough." According to Dr. Frank Fitzgerald, an orthopedic surgeon specializing in catastrophic knee injuries and lifelong Eagles fan, McNabb should seek him out for a second opinion.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close