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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Eagles Having Postmodernist Short-Storybook Season

PHILADELPHIA—With a complete lack of ordered structure, a highly compromised cast of characters lacking a true protagonist, and no coherent resolution in sight, the Eagles—who began the season widely heralded as the best team in football—are enduring a postmodernist short-storybook season. "Taken as one body of work, the disjointed and almost halting series of vignettes that is the ordeal of the Eagles' weekly games—the empty victories, the shattering losses, and the sense that nothing good or pure can survive it all—is, in the best and bleakest traditions of postwar literature, compelling almost in spite of its inherent despair," said critic Michiko Kakutani, writing about the Eagles' "gorgeously incoherent chronicle of desperation and futility" in a review for The New York Times. "That they still have an outside chance of winning the NFC East adds just the right touch of meaningless, ultimately destructive hope to the whole narrative. Recommended." Kakutani also took time to deride the as-yet undefeated Green Bay Packers' season as "a barely credible litany of unattainable flawlessness showcasing the worst aspects of the American male-power fantasy."

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