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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Eagles Settle For Field Goal After 260-Yard Drive

SAN DIEGO—The Eagles were forced to settle for a field goal against the Chargers Sunday after sustaining a 260-yard, 64-play drive that featured six separate red-zone appearances and took 52 minutes off the game clock. "It's disappointing not to score a touchdown when you keep a drive alive for more than three and a half quarters," said quarterback Donovan McNabb, who completed 32 of his 66 passes, converted 26 first downs, and was carted off the field for X-rays twice during the drive. "At least we came away with three points. Those 120 yards in penalties really hurt our field position, but those conversions on third and 21, third and 64, and the fake punt on fourth and 72 showed that this team never quits." Backup QB Michael Vick took one snap from center during the nearly hour-long drive, failing to complete a screen pass.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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