adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Earl Thomas

Safety, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Prominently featured in OSN’s Super Bowl guide; Came up with the “of” part in “Legion of Boom”

Weaknesses: Lacks ideal-sized mouth for Seahawks secondary; Modest, selfless demeanor alienates him from teammates

Childhood Nickname That No Amount Of Professional Success Can Eclipse: Girl Thomas

Enjoys: Long, romantic backpedals

Best Known As: That other guy who’s not Richard Sherman

Endorsements: Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman

Volunteer Activity: Nursing abandoned footballs

Opinion On Gay Players In The NFL: You don’t want to know

Back To Beginning: John Fox

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close