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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Earl Thomas

Safety, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Prominently featured in OSN’s Super Bowl guide; Came up with the “of” part in “Legion of Boom”

Weaknesses: Lacks ideal-sized mouth for Seahawks secondary; Modest, selfless demeanor alienates him from teammates

Childhood Nickname That No Amount Of Professional Success Can Eclipse: Girl Thomas

Enjoys: Long, romantic backpedals

Best Known As: That other guy who’s not Richard Sherman

Endorsements: Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman

Volunteer Activity: Nursing abandoned footballs

Opinion On Gay Players In The NFL: You don’t want to know

Back To Beginning: John Fox

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