Earl Thomas

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Vol 50 Issue 04

Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies

In an effort to better accommodate those with gluten intolerance, a number of Girl Scout troops around the country will sell a gluten-free version of their chocolate chip shortbread cookie.

Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl

NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl. As temperatures dropped into the low twenties, puppies atte...

Seahawks vs. Broncos

The Seahawks battle the Broncos in a game that players will be treating like the Super Bowl. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Holiday

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Earl Thomas

Safety, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Prominently featured in OSN’s Super Bowl guide; Came up with the “of” part in “Legion of Boom”

Weaknesses: Lacks ideal-sized mouth for Seahawks secondary; Modest, selfless demeanor alienates him from teammates

Childhood Nickname That No Amount Of Professional Success Can Eclipse: Girl Thomas

Enjoys: Long, romantic backpedals

Best Known As: That other guy who’s not Richard Sherman

Endorsements: Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman

Volunteer Activity: Nursing abandoned footballs

Opinion On Gay Players In The NFL: You don’t want to know

Back To Beginning: John Fox

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