Early Stage Threesome Forming In Corner Of Party 

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Vol 47 Issue 48

In Theory

Showtime 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Adventurous philosophy professor Jane Theory is a sexual dynamo whose intellectual musings during intercourse help her many partners reach epiphanies and orgasms they never dreamed possible.

Cain Drops Out

After a Georgia woman came forward and claimed she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain, the former Godfather's Pizza CEO announced he would suspend his campaign for the presidency.

Wife Hoarders

A&E 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST It’s nearly impossible to wade through the stacks and stacks of wives from the 1970s that Alan has stored in his living room.
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Early Stage Threesome Forming In Corner Of Party 

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—According to reports from Adam Hartford's house party on Preston Avenue, a male and two females have separated from the core group of attendees and are currently in the nascent stage of forming a threesome in the far corner of the living room. Factoring in the subjects' increased levels of giggling and flirtation, suggestive body language, and projected alcohol consumption, sources have determined the ménage à trois will reach full maturation three hours from now, likely in Hartford's partially finished basement. Experts also stated that the females' recent progression from talking about kissing each other to actually doing so, even if only jokingly, marks a crucial threshold in the early-phase three-way, indicating the eventual occurrence of group sex is now a statistical certainty. While those observing the threesome's gradual materialization admitted it was fascinating to watch such a natural phenomenon coalesce, they acknowledged the rare marvel was "completely gross" because it involved Jeff.

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