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Early Stage Threesome Forming In Corner Of Party 

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Early Stage Threesome Forming In Corner Of Party 

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—According to reports from Adam Hartford's house party on Preston Avenue, a male and two females have separated from the core group of attendees and are currently in the nascent stage of forming a threesome in the far corner of the living room. Factoring in the subjects' increased levels of giggling and flirtation, suggestive body language, and projected alcohol consumption, sources have determined the ménage à trois will reach full maturation three hours from now, likely in Hartford's partially finished basement. Experts also stated that the females' recent progression from talking about kissing each other to actually doing so, even if only jokingly, marks a crucial threshold in the early-phase three-way, indicating the eventual occurrence of group sex is now a statistical certainty. While those observing the threesome's gradual materialization admitted it was fascinating to watch such a natural phenomenon coalesce, they acknowledged the rare marvel was "completely gross" because it involved Jeff.

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