Earth Contacted By Extraterrestrial Nerds

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Vol 30 Issue 03

Ask the Dungeonmaster

The Dungeonmaster has been supervising fantasy adventures for 14 years. In addition to gaming, he enjoys Marvel Comics, renting pornographic videotapes and playing the lute. Send letters to: "DM's Castle," c/o Asst. Mgr., Burger King, Store #4902, Piedmont, CA.

Liver Flees George Jones' Body

NASHVILLE, TN—After more than 40 years of absorbing vast quantities of hard alcohol, George Jones' liver finally fled the famed country singer's body Monday. "I can't take it anymore," the liver said. "A liver can only process so many toxins before it says to hell with it." Jones' liver absorbed its final drink early Monday morning, a bourbon and branch water that Jones had with some eggs for breakfast. Until it can find a place of its own, Jones' liver plans to share an apartment with Merle Haggard's liver and Hank Williams Jr.'s lungs.

Year Abroad Changes Student's Worldview For One Year

SKOKIE, IL—After a tremendously broadening year of travel through Northern Africa, area student Naomi Pilchner returned home to the U.S. yesterday, returning to her pre-year abroad worldview as well. "I'll never forget the things I saw there. There were mountains and grasslands and the most exotic animals imaginable. But there was also terrible drought and starvation—people were literally dying in the streets," Pilchner told friend Jennifer Baskin upon arriving home. "Do you want to go look for shoes at Woodfield, Jen? I saw this awesome pair of green sandals on sale."

Clinton Gets Box To Put Government's Stuff In

WASHINGTON, DC—Unable to keep track of an ever-mounting pile of federal items, President Clinton got a big box to put all the government's stuff in yesterday. "It was getting really messy," Clinton said. "So I decided it was time to get it all off the floor." According to Clinton, the box, made of sturdy, high-quality corrugated cardboard, will be used to hold many of the government's estimated 5.1 trillion belongings, which include 51 aircraft carriers, 296,000 staple removers and the tax records of every American citizen. "That's a lot of stuff," Clinton said. "I just hope it all fits."

Cry Of More, More, More Heard In Midnight Hour

LONDON—A cry of more, more, more was heard in the midnight hour Sunday, prompting police to launch a full-scale investigation. "While we don't have any leads yet, the yell clearly sounded like it came from an outsider, possibly even a rebel," said London police commissioner James Blaney. "Before I investigate further, though, I urge you to let me sink another drink, as it will give me time to think." Blaney added that if the current investigation—during which police have looked all over the world—fails to yield any real clues soon, tomorrow might be a nice day to start again. "Whoever this rebel is," Blaney said, "he clearly has got no human grace."

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yappin' that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French Cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

The Island of Doctors and Monsters Is Not a Very Good Movie

Ah, the movies. The lights. The glamour. The action! Where else can a person escape to see the stars for the price of a good shave at the corner barber store? Hollywood town! Where a young ingenue can hitch her dreams to a rising star and sit on the director's couch and rise to the top of the Silver Screen.

Military Academies Under Fire

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Late Night

Earth Contacted By Extraterrestrial Nerds

PALO ALTO, CA—Researchers are responding with mockery and distaste following the receipt of low-frequency radio waves sent by an alien civilization evidently interested in the subjects of math and science.

A preliminary NASA sketch of what the recently contacted aliens may look like.

"At 9:23 PST, we received an intense series of emissions lasting 35 seconds," said Dr. Michael McGuire, Chief Astronomer at Palomar Labora-tories. "Computer analysis told us that what we were looking at was a transmission of the first 100 prime numbers, the value of pi to 30 decimal points, a diagram of the periodic table and a whole bunch of other dorky stuff. The signal was unquestionably transmitted some 50,000 years ago by a race of socially inept beings."

President Clinton, who was informed of the radio signals within 30 minutes of their discovery, had no direct comment today. But White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry said that "the President is excited, but certainly hopeful of future contact with civilizations that are a little more, you know, cool."

The news came as a shock to astronomers, most of whom believed that any existing civilization in outer space would in all likelihood be thousands of years hipper than ours. "At the very least," said Leslie Dowes, Professor of Astrophysics at Harvard University, "we'd hoped the intelligences we'd discover could at least introduce us to other, more 'with-it' civilizations in outer space."

Such hopes seem dashed, at least temporarily, by the Palomar transmission. McGuire said that despite repeated scrutiny of the encoded signal, it has not been found to contain any references to sports or cars.

"Apparently, the alien life forms who composed this broadcast had never even been picked in gym class, let alone gone to state in junior varsity," McGuire said. "If the alien's civilization does have cheerleaders, which I doubt, I'm convinced they'd never even be able to work up the nerve to talk to them."

"In fact," McGuire added, "it may be due to lack of friends at home that these aliens beamed these signals to us in the first place, much in the same way losers here on Earth try to reach out to others and make friends by beaming messages over the Internet."

Particularly distressing to many was the relative proximity of the broadcast source. "50,000 light years is, from a galactic standpoint, around the corner," said Dr. Richard Gray of the Extraterrestrial Intelligence Foun-dation. "In the cosmic cafeteria, they're sitting right at our table. It's totally embarrassing. Even if we ignore them, who's to say they won't keep transmitting to us? And if there are other lifeforms out there, they may actually think we're friends."

According to Gray, the earth's only hope is to find the aliens an equally uncool friend. "Recent spectroscopic scans of the opposite end of the Milky Way show possible evidence of low-frequency debate club activity. That's extremely promising."

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