Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the Princeton Review on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row. “More than any of its celestial neighbors, Earth is the place to let off some steam and get a little crazy with your friends every night of the week,” said associate editor Blake Kalfus, adding that the planet was the only known celestial body to possess sufficient oxygen for top EDM DJs like Afrojack and Steve Aoki to survive. “With its solid terrestrial surface layer capable of supporting millions of clubs and two-for-one drink specials, there’s no party destination within 1000,000 light-years that’s more electric than Earth. And that doesn’t even count the more relaxed vibe you get on its nearby moon.” Meanwhile, Kepler-138d, Earth’s longtime rival for most popular party planet, reportedly fell from second place to 16th after the gas giant banned fraternities.

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