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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Earthquake Sets Japan Back To 2147

TOKYO—Japanese government officials confirmed Monday that the damage wrought on Japan's national infrastructure by the July 16th earthquake—particularly on the country's protective force field, quantum teleportation system, zero-point fusion energy broadcasting grid, and psychodynamic communications network—was severe enough to set the technologically advanced island nation back approximately 300 years to a primitive mid-22nd-century state of existence.

"Japan finds itself in crisis, with our society and culture temporarily reverting to a pre-cyberunification era," said Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe, communicating non-telekinetically for the first time in his nearly 150 years of post-cryogenic life. "Though many citizens have been limited to algorithm-based emotion detection, neutron baths, speed limits below the speed of light, and other barbaric inconveniences for over a week now, I promise we will pull through."

Officer Hideo Shimura (left) and his cloned selves attempt to free quake victims trapped under rubble.

Abe rejected persistent calls to simply reboot the damaged nation, saying that such a measure could result in the loss of vital data, such as Niigata Prefecture and sections of Mount Fuji.

The quake, which was centered in the bluefin tuna–cloning fields near the northwest city of Kashiwazaki, measured bb460.c22/k, or the rough equivalent of 6.8 on the less sophisticated Western Richter scale. It resulted in the first confirmed human or human-hybrid fatality in Japan in over 60 years, and more than 700 injuries. Citizens' protective exoskeletons reportedly remained operational through the first wave of seismic activity and three of the four aftershocks. According to first responders, injured exoskeletons were hastily repaired with antiquated third-generation nanotechnology, while subatomic robots were released into the bloodstream to fix any irregularity they could recognize.

"The earthquake destroyed our connection with the Trinity Flow, the frequency that harmonizes the...you would say, I think, 'computer'?...with the daemonetic implants in our citizens' overbrains," scientist Hiroshi Ishiguro-Prime of the TechnoDiet told Western reporters.

Teleportation of food and water remains at a standstill as technicians in Kobe continue to fix the extensive damage to the eight-million-yottabyte mainframe computer, a four-by-three-inch quantum femtoprocessor responsible for accessing and fulfilling the thoughts and desires of all Japanese.

Quake victims wander the streets in search of synthetic water and a neural implant charging station.

The United States' offer of $20 million and a shipment of steel, tractors, forklifts, and cranes was politely declined.

The prime minister said that the greatest effort would be exerted on rebuilding the Procross Buster Quasigravitic Lensing Frame, the motive force behind Japan's automated network of roads, aerobuildings, and levitation canals. The total cost of the project, the prime minister speculated, is somewhere in the ë70 trillion range, a majority of which will be underwritten by Nippon Tertius, a transubsidiary civilization in the Haltropic galaxy.

Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of people throughout Japan continue to live in desperate circumstances. Those whose metahabitats were destroyed in the quake are being issued replacements, though citizens are expected to grow them themselves. Kyoto resident Aiko Shunji criticized the homes' reconfiguring walls and blink-controlled climate as "relics of the past" that are "barely suitable for humans, let alone for members of Japan's Glorious and Peaceful Ninth Recension."

"The older generations can talk all they want about the virtues of eating meals in pill form and taking the moving sidewalk instead of the wormhole, but this is just plain deprivation, and it sucks," Shunji, 92, said. "It doesn't help that recovery efforts have been so slow. Why is it taking so long for officials to reconnect something as basic as the Neural Net?"

Abe reassured citizens that the disaster was merely a temporary setback.

"It should only be a matter of days before the Asahi Ultima Crisis chronotriggered reversion engine is once more online," Abe said. "Citizens of Japan, I promise you: Once our folded-space-time technology is again functional, this whole earthquake will never have happened."

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