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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Easy Wife Gives It Up On First Date Night

OMAHA, NE—Local man James Carlson totally got some Friday night when his wife, Shelly, "went all the way" after just one date night, the lucky husband reported. "I figured it'd be at least three date nights before she gave it up, but all it took was a modest dinner and a few glasses of wine, and she went straight home with me, no questions asked," Carlson said of his wife of eight years, with whom he has three children, James Jr., 7, Wendy, 5, and Sandy, 3. "After we paid the babysitter and brushed our teeth, she couldn't keep her hands off me." Carlson hopes to continue date-nighting his wife for the foreseeable future, seeing as she is such an easy lay.

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