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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Eating Entire Box Of Donuts Not Originally Part Of Evening's Plan

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Moments after consuming the twelfth and final Hostess™ powdered-sugar donut, Overland Park resident Patrick Angelis, 46, admitted Monday that eating an entire box of donuts was not originally part of his plan for the evening. "I figured I'd kick back in front of the TV, watch King Of Queens and Yes, Dear, and maybe enjoy a donut or two," the sated, powder-faced Angelis said. "But before you know it, the whole box was gone." Added Angelis: "Hey, you gotta stay flexible; take what the night brings you."

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