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Eccentric Man Introduces New Sweater To Closet Pals Colonel Coat And Captain Blazer

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Eccentric Man Introduces New Sweater To Closet Pals Colonel Coat And Captain Blazer

NEW YORK—Wasting no time in making the necessary introductions upon his return from the clothing store Wednesday, eccentric man Oliver Roberts promptly entered his bedroom and acquainted his new sweater with soon-to-be closet pals Colonel Coat and Captain Blazer. “Hear ye, hear ye! I would ask ye fine adornments to join me in welcoming our new sweater friend, who shall henceforth be known as Count Sweater,” Roberts said in an address to Colonel Coat and Captain Blazer, as well as to their wardrobe companions Madame Scarf, Lieutenant Gloves, and Doctor Belt. “It is my greatest wish that our new friend feels safe and comfortable in his new home and that he is included at all times. And no funny business from you, Miss Shoes—ah, I’m terribly sorry—Mrs. Shoes.” At press time, Roberts had left the attire to socialize among themselves but returned 10 minutes later on a nagging suspicion that the sweater had fallen victim to the pernicious pranks of Sir Hat.

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