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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Eccentric Man Introduces New Sweater To Closet Pals Colonel Coat And Captain Blazer

NEW YORK—Wasting no time in making the necessary introductions upon his return from the clothing store Wednesday, eccentric man Oliver Roberts promptly entered his bedroom and acquainted his new sweater with soon-to-be closet pals Colonel Coat and Captain Blazer. “Hear ye, hear ye! I would ask ye fine adornments to join me in welcoming our new sweater friend, who shall henceforth be known as Count Sweater,” Roberts said in an address to Colonel Coat and Captain Blazer, as well as to their wardrobe companions Madame Scarf, Lieutenant Gloves, and Doctor Belt. “It is my greatest wish that our new friend feels safe and comfortable in his new home and that he is included at all times. And no funny business from you, Miss Shoes—ah, I’m terribly sorry—Mrs. Shoes.” At press time, Roberts had left the attire to socialize among themselves but returned 10 minutes later on a nagging suspicion that the sweater had fallen victim to the pernicious pranks of Sir Hat.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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