Eccentric Man Introduces New Sweater To Closet Pals Colonel Coat And Captain Blazer

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 04

North Korea To Test New Nuclear Weapon

In response to recently imposed U.N. sanctions, North Korea vowed to conduct its third test of a nuclear weapon, warning of confrontation with its proclaimed “arch-enemy” the United States.

Study Exposes Risks Of Conducting Research While Driving

NASA continues its search for a planet capable of supporting NASA, Prince Harry announces that he killed some Taliban-looking people during his tour of duty, and a copy of 'The Scarlet Letter'' can't believe the notes a high schooler is writing in its mar...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Late Night

Eccentric Man Introduces New Sweater To Closet Pals Colonel Coat And Captain Blazer

NEW YORK—Wasting no time in making the necessary introductions upon his return from the clothing store Wednesday, eccentric man Oliver Roberts promptly entered his bedroom and acquainted his new sweater with soon-to-be closet pals Colonel Coat and Captain Blazer. “Hear ye, hear ye! I would ask ye fine adornments to join me in welcoming our new sweater friend, who shall henceforth be known as Count Sweater,” Roberts said in an address to Colonel Coat and Captain Blazer, as well as to their wardrobe companions Madame Scarf, Lieutenant Gloves, and Doctor Belt. “It is my greatest wish that our new friend feels safe and comfortable in his new home and that he is included at all times. And no funny business from you, Miss Shoes—ah, I’m terribly sorry—Mrs. Shoes.” At press time, Roberts had left the attire to socialize among themselves but returned 10 minutes later on a nagging suspicion that the sweater had fallen victim to the pernicious pranks of Sir Hat.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More