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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Eclipse Comes Just In Time To Save John Kerry From Tribe Of Island Cannibals

THE ISLE OF EMBERS—With the natives’ drumbeats suddenly falling silent as a mysterious midday darkness rolled across the island, sources confirmed that a solar eclipse occurred just in time Friday to stop imperiled U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry from being cooked alive by cannibals. “See what you’ve done? I bring the darkness! I command the sun! I am a very powerful man!” Kerry reportedly shouted after quickly assessing the situation, causing the tribe’s shaman to cry out in fear and fall prostrate to the ground while several tribesmen hastily lowered the roasting spit on which they had been carrying the United States’ top diplomat toward a blazing fire. “You cannot kill me, for I am a god! Release me now, and perhaps I will restore the light I have taken from you!” At press time, reports confirmed that the cannibals were reverently chanting the former Massachusetts senator’s name as they bore him on a luxurious sedan chair to a feast prepared in his honor.

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