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Eclipse Comes Just In Time To Save John Kerry From Tribe Of Island Cannibals

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Eclipse Comes Just In Time To Save John Kerry From Tribe Of Island Cannibals

THE ISLE OF EMBERS—With the natives’ drumbeats suddenly falling silent as a mysterious midday darkness rolled across the island, sources confirmed that a solar eclipse occurred just in time Friday to stop imperiled U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry from being cooked alive by cannibals. “See what you’ve done? I bring the darkness! I command the sun! I am a very powerful man!” Kerry reportedly shouted after quickly assessing the situation, causing the tribe’s shaman to cry out in fear and fall prostrate to the ground while several tribesmen hastily lowered the roasting spit on which they had been carrying the United States’ top diplomat toward a blazing fire. “You cannot kill me, for I am a god! Release me now, and perhaps I will restore the light I have taken from you!” At press time, reports confirmed that the cannibals were reverently chanting the former Massachusetts senator’s name as they bore him on a luxurious sedan chair to a feast prepared in his honor.

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