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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Eco-Conscious Marketing Firm Developing Alternative Sources Of Synergy

PORTLAND, OR—Marketing firm Green Solutions announced Wednesday that it was developing environmentally friendly alternatives to the nonrenewable sources of synergy, global positioning, and blue-sky thinking currently used to fuel the nation's corporations. "We take an eco-friendly approach to packaging and presenting what our clients have to offer," said Anthony Marino, the firm's founder and CEO. "With green, clean, responsible solutions, we believe businesses can sustain brand awareness while also treading gently upon the world's markets." Marino confirmed that while his firm's innovations had not yet been widely implemented, they were currently being tested in areas considered dangerously low in buzz.

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