adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Eco-Friendly Junkies Launch Needle Re-Use Program

SAN FRANCISCO—Greatly concerned with America's ever-worsening landfill problem, a group of San Francisco-based heroin addicts have established EcOD, an environmentally friendly needle sharing program. "So many of us are using needles once and then throwing them out," said Dave Pierce, strung-out junkie and program co-chair. "That's just wasteful. If you come across an old needle lying around, by all means, use it. And if you don't have one, borrow from a friend." Pierce also recommended a soapy washcloth for cleaning dirty syringes.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close