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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Eco-Friendly Junkies Launch Needle Re-Use Program

SAN FRANCISCO—Greatly concerned with America's ever-worsening landfill problem, a group of San Francisco-based heroin addicts have established EcOD, an environmentally friendly needle sharing program. "So many of us are using needles once and then throwing them out," said Dave Pierce, strung-out junkie and program co-chair. "That's just wasteful. If you come across an old needle lying around, by all means, use it. And if you don't have one, borrow from a friend." Pierce also recommended a soapy washcloth for cleaning dirty syringes.

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