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Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Economists Advise Nation’s Poor To Invent The Next Facebook

WASHINGTON—Claiming that no other feasible option exists for the United States’ legions of destitute citizens, a panel of the nation’s top economists convened Wednesday to advise America’s poor to extricate themselves from poverty by inventing the next Facebook. “As unemployment holds steady and lower-class income plummets, the best and, frankly, only option for the country’s working poor is to try and come up with a new service like Facebook that forever changes how people communicate with one another, and then monetize it,” said Brookings Institution socioeconomics expert Richard Reeves, emphasizing that the nation’s approximately 50 million men, women, and children currently living under the poverty line will only be able to save themselves from lifelong misery if they somehow conceive of some kind of innovative website that permanently alters the world’s social and technological landscape. “To be honest, with the gap between rich and poor only getting wider, there’s really no middle ground here. Either invent another Facebook or languish in the gutter until you starve to death. Those are pretty much your options. So, you know, good luck.” Reeves added that a good name for one of these revolutionary game changers that delivers its creator from a lifetime of hardship and suffering might be BuzzConnect.

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