adBlockCheck

Economists Advise Nation’s Poor To Invent The Next Facebook

Top Headlines

Business

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Economists Advise Nation’s Poor To Invent The Next Facebook

WASHINGTON—Claiming that no other feasible option exists for the United States’ legions of destitute citizens, a panel of the nation’s top economists convened Wednesday to advise America’s poor to extricate themselves from poverty by inventing the next Facebook. “As unemployment holds steady and lower-class income plummets, the best and, frankly, only option for the country’s working poor is to try and come up with a new service like Facebook that forever changes how people communicate with one another, and then monetize it,” said Brookings Institution socioeconomics expert Richard Reeves, emphasizing that the nation’s approximately 50 million men, women, and children currently living under the poverty line will only be able to save themselves from lifelong misery if they somehow conceive of some kind of innovative website that permanently alters the world’s social and technological landscape. “To be honest, with the gap between rich and poor only getting wider, there’s really no middle ground here. Either invent another Facebook or languish in the gutter until you starve to death. Those are pretty much your options. So, you know, good luck.” Reeves added that a good name for one of these revolutionary game changers that delivers its creator from a lifetime of hardship and suffering might be BuzzConnect.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close