adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
End Of Section
  • More News

Economists Recommend Setting Aside Part Of Every Paycheck In Case Of Dire Straits Reunion Tour

WASHINGTON—Describing the precaution as a financially prudent decision for all households, a panel of the nation’s top economists recommended Wednesday that Americans set aside money from each paycheck so they will be ready in the event Dire Straits reunites for a tour. “We suggest placing a small percentage of your earnings into a separate account to ensure you have adequate savings should Dire Straits unexpectedly announce a string of North American concert dates to promote a new greatest-hits double album,” said Princeton University economics professor Julia Bridges, adding that at any moment, an unforeseen reconciliation between singer-guitarist Mark Knopfler and bassist John Illsley could precipitate a reunion that would leave millions scrambling to cover the cost of presale tickets. “While this year saw the 30th anniversary of Brothers In Arms pass by uneventfully, that still doesn’t rule out the possibility of the band’s first tour since 1992 suddenly hitting arenas in major cities across the United States. Sadly, many Americans would struggle to afford decent seats if Dire Straits played a show in their town today, let alone purchase basic merchandise such as commemorative reunion hats and T-shirts. This would leave them at risk of missing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience the classic ‘Sultans Of Swing’ guitar solo up close and in person.” Bridges advised that, at the very least, Americans keep a small pool of emergency reserves on hand should Cheap Trick or REO Speedwagon come to their local fairgrounds.


More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close