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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Economists Recommend Setting Aside Part Of Every Paycheck In Case Of Dire Straits Reunion Tour

WASHINGTON—Describing the precaution as a financially prudent decision for all households, a panel of the nation’s top economists recommended Wednesday that Americans set aside money from each paycheck so they will be ready in the event Dire Straits reunites for a tour. “We suggest placing a small percentage of your earnings into a separate account to ensure you have adequate savings should Dire Straits unexpectedly announce a string of North American concert dates to promote a new greatest-hits double album,” said Princeton University economics professor Julia Bridges, adding that at any moment, an unforeseen reconciliation between singer-guitarist Mark Knopfler and bassist John Illsley could precipitate a reunion that would leave millions scrambling to cover the cost of presale tickets. “While this year saw the 30th anniversary of Brothers In Arms pass by uneventfully, that still doesn’t rule out the possibility of the band’s first tour since 1992 suddenly hitting arenas in major cities across the United States. Sadly, many Americans would struggle to afford decent seats if Dire Straits played a show in their town today, let alone purchase basic merchandise such as commemorative reunion hats and T-shirts. This would leave them at risk of missing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience the classic ‘Sultans Of Swing’ guitar solo up close and in person.” Bridges advised that, at the very least, Americans keep a small pool of emergency reserves on hand should Cheap Trick or REO Speedwagon come to their local fairgrounds.


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