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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Economists Recommend Setting Aside Part Of Every Paycheck In Case Of Dire Straits Reunion Tour

WASHINGTON—Describing the precaution as a financially prudent decision for all households, a panel of the nation’s top economists recommended Wednesday that Americans set aside money from each paycheck so they will be ready in the event Dire Straits reunites for a tour. “We suggest placing a small percentage of your earnings into a separate account to ensure you have adequate savings should Dire Straits unexpectedly announce a string of North American concert dates to promote a new greatest-hits double album,” said Princeton University economics professor Julia Bridges, adding that at any moment, an unforeseen reconciliation between singer-guitarist Mark Knopfler and bassist John Illsley could precipitate a reunion that would leave millions scrambling to cover the cost of presale tickets. “While this year saw the 30th anniversary of Brothers In Arms pass by uneventfully, that still doesn’t rule out the possibility of the band’s first tour since 1992 suddenly hitting arenas in major cities across the United States. Sadly, many Americans would struggle to afford decent seats if Dire Straits played a show in their town today, let alone purchase basic merchandise such as commemorative reunion hats and T-shirts. This would leave them at risk of missing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience the classic ‘Sultans Of Swing’ guitar solo up close and in person.” Bridges advised that, at the very least, Americans keep a small pool of emergency reserves on hand should Cheap Trick or REO Speedwagon come to their local fairgrounds.


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