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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Economy Of Vacation Town Apparently Entirely Run By Overwhelmed High Schoolers

OCEAN CITY, NJ—Noting the total absence of adults with any apparent role in local commerce, visitors to Ocean City, New Jersey, told reporters Friday that the economy of the vacation town seemed run entirely by overwhelmed high schoolers. “Every restaurant and shop along the boardwalk is operated by these stressed-out teenagers running around like lunatics—I don’t think I’ve even seen a single employee even in their twenties,” said tourist Paul Shaw, observing that every ice cream shop would be completely unstaffed without harried 15-18-year-olds darting between the cash register and the frozen tubs. “It’s like everyone keeping this town afloat, from the nervous kid at the pizza parlor who can’t figure out how to do the orders on the computer system to the lifeguard anxiously watching over the entire beach himself, is an adolescent who’s got way too much on their plate. Even the kid who rented me a bicycle seemed like he’d been through the wringer.” According to sources, the teens would return to school in a few weeks, leaving the town’s economy solely under the control of a handful of bored 50-year-old locals.

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