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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Ecstatic American Indians Praise 'The Lone Ranger'

'Finally Our Story Is Being Told,' Tribespeople Say

LOS ANGELES—Upon emerging from an advance screening of the Walt Disney Pictures film The Lone Ranger, representatives of the country’s American Indian population enthusiastically praised the action-adventure comedy Wednesday, telling reporters that they were thrilled to finally see a movie that does justice to the stirring history of the nation’s native peoples. “At long last, we have a tale befitting the long, proud tradition of our tribespeople,” said Douglas Walking Bear Akando, 94, a Potawatomi tribe elder who claimed he was moved to tears by lead actor Johnny Depp’s stoic, thoroughly researched portrayal of the spirit warrior Tonto in the upcoming Jerry Bruckheimer production. “For all of Hollywood’s failed attempts to create something that accurately recounts our glorious past while also honoring the bravery and wisdom of our ancestors, The Lone Ranger does just that. And on July 3, the American people will finally know our story.” At press time, a coalition representing the nation’s estimated 3 million American Indians had released a statement completely forgiving the United States for its systematic butchery and subsequent confinement of their people, saying that the new Lone Ranger movie “had made it all worth it.”

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