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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
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Ecstatic American Indians Praise 'The Lone Ranger'

'Finally Our Story Is Being Told,' Tribespeople Say

LOS ANGELES—Upon emerging from an advance screening of the Walt Disney Pictures film The Lone Ranger, representatives of the country’s American Indian population enthusiastically praised the action-adventure comedy Wednesday, telling reporters that they were thrilled to finally see a movie that does justice to the stirring history of the nation’s native peoples. “At long last, we have a tale befitting the long, proud tradition of our tribespeople,” said Douglas Walking Bear Akando, 94, a Potawatomi tribe elder who claimed he was moved to tears by lead actor Johnny Depp’s stoic, thoroughly researched portrayal of the spirit warrior Tonto in the upcoming Jerry Bruckheimer production. “For all of Hollywood’s failed attempts to create something that accurately recounts our glorious past while also honoring the bravery and wisdom of our ancestors, The Lone Ranger does just that. And on July 3, the American people will finally know our story.” At press time, a coalition representing the nation’s estimated 3 million American Indians had released a statement completely forgiving the United States for its systematic butchery and subsequent confinement of their people, saying that the new Lone Ranger movie “had made it all worth it.”

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