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Ed Reed

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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Ed Reed

Ravens Free Safety

Strength: One of last few remaining ball hawks in United States; Highly prepared player who constantly studies film to memorize an opposing team’s color schemes; Lures quarterbacks into throwing interceptions by loudly shouting, “I’m wide open”

Weakness: Always feels guilty after catching a ball he knows wasn’t meant for him; Still winded from 108-yard interception return in 2008; Ability to backpedal really fast is really a completely useless talent in every other walk of life

Biggest Fine: $250,000 for helmet-to-helmet hit on NFL Vice President of Operations Eric Grubman

Enjoys: Recording tackles in spare time at home studio

Training Regimen: Works with interception-throwing machine during training camp scrimmages

NEXT: Joe Flacco

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