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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Editors Of '401 Best Soups' Cookbook Still Fighting

BURLINGTON, VT—Six years after the book's release, the editors of 401 Best Soups have reportedly been unable to set aside their disagreements over which recipes were included in the volume. "[Chef Andrew] Darcy thinks his very workable beef stock recipe got passed over for a flashier, trendier tripe and fish stock, while [Chef Harold] Brister won't shut up about the inclusion of two supposedly inferior gazpachos," literary agent Joe Palmento told reporters, adding that the soup chefs can't even be in the same room without fighting over the best way to prepare a roux. "Meanwhile, [Chef] Anna [Smolinski] feels like her creamy leek got buried in the back pages. Which is just fine by [Chef Tom] Manard, of course." To date, the book has sold 450,000 copies, won a James Beard award, and been hailed by gourmands the world over as the definitive guide to soup preparation.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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