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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Editors Of 'Good Car' Magazine: 'The 2013 Hyundai Sonata Is A Good Car'

NEW YORK—In its November 2012 issue, out on newsstands this week, Good Car magazine bestowed its trademark “This Is A Good Car” ranking upon the 2013 Hyundai Sonata, which the publication features on its cover. “From its good handling, good fuel-efficiency, and good reliability, to a range of good safety features and equally good factory options, the 2013 Sonata proves itself to be a good car,” write the editors of GC. “Consumers in search of a good automobile will likely find it to be one among many possible good choices.” The article went on to speculate that the Sonata no doubt outperforms bad cars, and falls somewhat short of great ones, but acknowledged those two categories of vehicles are outside Good Car magazine’s editorial purview.

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