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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Educated Bigot That Much More Terrifying

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After arguing with a well-read, articulate racist Wednesday, area man Daniel Truett described the experience as "bone-chilling," telling reporters it was far scarier than any encounter with an ignorant bigot ever could have been. "I've met some intolerant assholes in my time, but never one who could quote passages from Booker T. Washington's Up From Slavery to make his point," said Truett, who raised objections to the man's racial prejudices, but found his opponent was able to anticipate each of his arguments and counter them point by point. "And the most terrifying part of all is that he's obviously intelligent enough to know he's a hateful, bigoted person, which means he must actually be okay with that fact." Later that evening, Truett felt even more conflicted after hearing the very same bigot perform an exquisite and nuanced rendition of the Dvorak cello concerto.

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