Educational Puppet Pelted With Crayons

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Vol 34 Issue 15

'Aryan Notions' Opens Sixth Berlin Location

BERLIN–Promising shoppers "a glorious thousand-year reign of quality sewing supplies and accessories at low, low prices," Aryan Notions opened its sixth Berlin location Monday. "From buttons to bows to knitting needles, Aryan Notions is your one-stop source for racially pure sundries," store manager Gunther Von Hoessler said. "Superior white seamstresses and tailors from all over Europe can't stop raving about our pure Nordic yarn and rick-rack. Krups is working non-stop to supply us with mighty cast-steel bobbins and thimbles." His voice quavering with excitement, Von Hoessler boasted of cleansing the globe of inferior notions retailers and standing astride a conquered industry ruled by Aryan Notions. "God himself has anointed our chain of sewing supplies for magnificent triumph," he said.

Poll: 80 Percent Of Americans In Favor Of Storming Castle, Destroying Inhuman Monster

WASHINGTON, DC–According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday, four in five Americans favor assembling a torch-wielding mob to storm the gloomy castle on the outskirts of town and destroy the hideous evil creature dwelling within. The poll also found that 92 percent of Americans believe science has created an unholy menace, and that the foul, Hell-spawned monstrosity should be driven back to the fiery depths from which it came. Of the 20 percent of Americans not in favor of destroying the wretched beast, 7 percent said they "strongly agree" with the statement, "Who are we to arbitrarily take life from a creature into which man himself breathed life? Build for him a bride and let them live in peace, far from the prying eyes of foolish mortals." Eight percent had no opinion.

Rash Of High-Speed Chases Threatens Local Fruit Stand

LOS ANGELES–A rash of high-speed chases in downtown L.A. is threatening the livelihood of local fruit vendor Dave Rostand. "Every week, as many as 10 high-speed auto chases, either comical or dramatic in nature, come roaring past my corner, sending my cardboard-box-mounted pyramid of oranges flying in all directions," Rostand, who estimates he has had to rebuild his fruit stand 50 times, told members of the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Monday. "If these chases are not curtailed, I will have no choice but to declare bankruptcy and take up work as a sheet-glass courier."

Hero Publicist Honored

HOLLYWOOD, CA–For "heroism in publicizing beyond all hope," Hollywood publicist Derek DeBoer was honored Monday for his work promoting the not-at-all-anticipated Buena Vista Pictures romantic comedy Be My Baby, starring Steve Guttenberg and Whoopi Goldberg. "For courage and fortitude in generating buzz where there is no hope of buzz, hype where there is no hope of hype, we recognize the heroic deeds of Derek DeBoer," said Trent Davidoff, president of the American Association Of Publicists. "Mr. DeBoer, your brave efforts helped saved the jobs of countless Buena Vista execs who green-lighted this God awful project, and for this they are eternally grateful."

The Marvelous New 'Sarcasm'

Excuse me, but can you ignorant peasants be bothered to rouse yourselves from the puddle of steaming offal you call home long enough to hear what I have to say?

Not So Beloved

Massively hyped and critically acclaimed by Oprah Winfrey's Beloved is nevertheless bombing at the box office. Why?

Glorious Heyday Of Youth Spent In Parking Lot

AMARILLO, TX–Celebrating the bountiful gift of youth and the endless promise it holds, local 16-year-olds Stephanie Reardon, Doug Shiner and Toby Rizzo spent Friday evening in the parking lot of the Howell Avenue Grab 'N' Go convenience store. "Got any more Kools?" said Reardon, living every moment of her salad days to the fullest. Savoring the sweetness of his vitality like a ripe, juicy pear, Shiner leaned against the store's ice machine and said, "Check out that van over there."
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Educational Puppet Pelted With Crayons

EVERETT, WA–In an attack denounced by Crestwood Elementary School teachers as "shameful" and "thoroughly uncalled-for," educational puppet Donny Dungarees was pelted with crayons during a fourth-grade assembly Monday.

Donny Dungarees, moments before he was struck down.

Dungarees, a 26-inch-tall felt puppet with orange yarn-hair, sustained minor injuries in the attack, including a torn plaid kerchief and crayon marks to the face and neck. Dungarees' puppet pals Peggy Pipecleaners and Friendly Policeman Henry were unharmed.

Three 10-year-olds were held for questioning in connection with the brutal puppet-pelting, which occurred during the presentation of "It's Okay To Say, 'No Way!'" The anti-drug play was performed at 10 a.m. in the multi-purpose room by The Wondermakers, a three-member Everett-area puppetry troupe committed to spreading positive messages of self-esteem and good behavior among youngsters.

"When I walked in, it was like a riot had broken out," Crestwood vice-principal Warren Knauf said. "Children were shouting, the learning corner was littered with broken crayons, and crushed milk containers were flying through the air. Coach Cranmer had to be called in from the gymnasium to blow his whistle to restore order."

Though the exact cause of the outburst is not known, some authorities suspect that noted problem students Tim Messman, Kevin Isbister and Nicky Brazeau may have instigated the incident. According to teacher Georgia Sluman, the three boys began exhibiting inappropriate behavior shortly after Dungarees and his companions took the stage.

"As soon as those puppets came out of the trunk, they started to snicker and whisper," Sluman said of the trio, who last week were caught plundering the Castaway Book Club's treasure chest of prizes. "From my vantage point, it definitely looked like they were being disrespectful to our guests. Whatever they were saying, they most certainly did not have their listening ears on."

Friendly Policeman Henry answers reporters' questions regarding Monday's puppet-pelting.

Approximately 10 minutes into the performance, just moments after Pipecleaners told Dungarees she was considering trying drugs to be more popular with the other kids, the barrage of crayons began.

Friendly Policeman Henry initially tried to defuse the situation by waving his hands and saying, "Some of our new friends aren't paying attention, Donny." But despite such efforts, the assault only escalated, as the airborne crayons were followed by erasers, fruit rinds and several pencils. A majority of the projectiles struck the puppets' hard plastic eyes or rebounded off their soft velour torsos, whipping the crowd of fourth-graders into a frenzy.

The incident was not the first to mar a special assembly at Crestwood Elementary. In October 1997, a performance by the instrumental group Eight Autoharps & A Guiro was twice interrupted by cries of "Boring!" from the back of the auditorium. This past March, a man dressed as Freddie The Fire Safety Frog was shoved from behind by a third-grader invited onstage to participate in a "Stop, Drop & Roll" demonstration.

School principal Stanley Rumsell has vowed to get to the bottom of Monday's crayon-throwing incident.

"The Wondermakers were guests at our school," said Rumsell in a 3 p.m. address delivered to the entire fourth grade before they were allowed to line up for the buses. "Do we want visitors to go away thinking that students at Crestwood are not grown-up enough to sit quietly and listen? Maybe we should just sit at our desks all day long instead of getting to enjoy fun new activities."

Rumsell has urged those responsible for the attack to step forward. If no admission of guilt is made, he warned that all fourth-graders will be kept inside during lunch recess for the next month, making everyone suffer for the inappropriate behavior of just a handful of disrespectful students. Rumsell said fourth-graders can thank their misbehaving classmates, not him, if such a punishment is handed down.

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