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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Edward Snowden’s Life Just Flat-Out Fun And Exciting

Snowden, who sources say is basically just a guy with a really fun life.
Snowden, who sources say is basically just a guy with a really fun life.

MOSCOW—Citing a whirlwind month and a half in which he leaked classified details of a massive government surveillance operation, secretly fled from the United States to Hong Kong, and became a figure of national and global intrigue, sources confirmed Thursday that the life of NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is just straight-up fun, exciting, and full of action.

Snowden, who was granted asylum in Russia after exposing the NSA’s PRISM data-mining program—which reports indicate is pretty much straight out of a goddamn Mission: Impossible movie—appears to have successfully evaded U.S. authorities attempting to extradite him on federal charges, in what many agree is as cool as it sounds.

Sources also verified that the 30-year-old’s life is sure as hell a lot more interesting and eventful than pretty much anyone else’s right now, no question about that.

“First, he spies on people as part of a top-secret government program, and if that wasn’t crazy enough, he then blows the lid on the whole operation and goes into hiding in Hong Kong,” said 34-year-old actuary Jason Leavitt of Kinston, NC. “Come on, how fucking fun is that? Essentially, he’s this young guy flying around the world, living as a fugitive, and doing whatever he wants with no consequences whatsoever. The guy is basically a walking, talking British spy novel and living every moment like it’s his last.”

“And on top of that, he’s famous and his face is all over TV and the internet,” Leavitt continued. “Beats my day-to-day, I can tell you that much.”

Given his current situation, those familiar with the fact that Snowden also has this gorgeous girlfriend who’s a pole dancer for Christ’s sake said that you’d be nuts not to want to walk in Snowden’s shoes and experience the constant thrill-a-minute ride that is his daily life.

Moreover, Barack Obama—the fucking President of the United States, sources stressed—holds press conferences and meetings with foreign leaders to talk about this guy.

“Must be pretty neat being on the front of newspapers and stuff and having everyone care about everything you say and do,” said 39-year-old Ethan Gurzau of Philadelphia, adding that if the past month is any indication, Snowden’s life will only get more awesome. “That’ll never happen to me. And it’s not like his life wasn’t sweet before this either. He was making 200k a year working at a cushy job and living in Hawaii. I mean, are you kidding me?”

When reached for comment, authorities were unable speculate on Snowden’s future plans given that it would be too difficult to pinpoint where someone so unpredictable and spontaneous and mysterious would end up. Officials went on to say they wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up sleeping with a supermodel or stealing the Mona Lisa from the Louvre.

“I honestly can’t wait to get up every morning and check online to see what he’s up to,” said 26-year-old Boston-based real estate agent Samantha Upton, adding that there’s no telling what unbelievable adventure Snowden will go on next. “I’ve never even been past Missouri. Meanwhile, this guy is jetting from China to Moscow while the CIA chases after him and watches his every move. That’s insane.”

“I want to do that,” Upton added. “I want to do what he’s doing.”

At press time, officials were unable to confirm Snowden’s current activities, though sources noted that whatever he’s doing, it’s probably mind-blowing.

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