Egypt Plunges Into State Of Middle East

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Vol 49 Issue 33

Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51

In declassified CIA documents, the government officially acknowledged for the first time ever the existence of Area 51, saying that the top-secret location in the Nevada desert was created as a testing site for the U-2 spy plane in the 1950s.

Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving

Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins’ name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue.
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Egypt Plunges Into State Of Middle East

CAIRO—Following deadly clashes on Wednesday between government forces and supporters of recently deposed President Mohamed Morsi, sources confirmed that Egypt has descended into a state of total Middle East. “Widespread and rampant Middle East swept across the nation over the last 24 hours, leaving hundreds dead and thousands more injured,” said U.S. Ambassador to Egypt Anne W. Patterson, noting that the all-out Middle East currently happening in the country could potentially destabilize the entire region. “It’s nothing but pure Middle East on the streets right now. And there is a strong possibility that if the international community becomes involved, the Middle East could become even worse.” Patterson added that while the Middle East in Egypt is showing no signs of letting up, the situation has thankfully not yet boiled over into a full-blown Africa.

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