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Egypt Plunges Into State Of Middle East

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Egypt Plunges Into State Of Middle East

CAIRO—Following deadly clashes on Wednesday between government forces and supporters of recently deposed President Mohamed Morsi, sources confirmed that Egypt has descended into a state of total Middle East. “Widespread and rampant Middle East swept across the nation over the last 24 hours, leaving hundreds dead and thousands more injured,” said U.S. Ambassador to Egypt Anne W. Patterson, noting that the all-out Middle East currently happening in the country could potentially destabilize the entire region. “It’s nothing but pure Middle East on the streets right now. And there is a strong possibility that if the international community becomes involved, the Middle East could become even worse.” Patterson added that while the Middle East in Egypt is showing no signs of letting up, the situation has thankfully not yet boiled over into a full-blown Africa.

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