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Egypt Plunges Into State Of Middle East

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Egypt Plunges Into State Of Middle East

CAIRO—Following deadly clashes on Wednesday between government forces and supporters of recently deposed President Mohamed Morsi, sources confirmed that Egypt has descended into a state of total Middle East. “Widespread and rampant Middle East swept across the nation over the last 24 hours, leaving hundreds dead and thousands more injured,” said U.S. Ambassador to Egypt Anne W. Patterson, noting that the all-out Middle East currently happening in the country could potentially destabilize the entire region. “It’s nothing but pure Middle East on the streets right now. And there is a strong possibility that if the international community becomes involved, the Middle East could become even worse.” Patterson added that while the Middle East in Egypt is showing no signs of letting up, the situation has thankfully not yet boiled over into a full-blown Africa.

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