Egyptian Archaeological Team Discovers 25-Year-Old Grave

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Egyptian Archaeological Team Discovers 25-Year-Old Grave

CAIRO—In a discovery that has electrified the global archaeological community, an Egyptian digging team unearthed a grave Sunday reported to be over 25 years old. The grave, found in a lot near downtown Cairo, is one of the rarest of its kind, and should offer new insight into the lives of people who lived as far back as 1970.

After discovering the gravesite, excavators had to use heavy machinery to blast through the surprisingly durable metal sarcophagus which housed the body. Antiquities expert Gerald Tornquist (left) was unaware that such advanced metallurgy existed 25 years ago.

“The significance of this find is inestimable,” said Oxford’s Gerald Tornquist, one of the world’s leading authorities on late 20th century life and culture. “Our previous historical data is almost exclusively based on oral record, anecdotal evidence and detailed computer, video and written information. But to have something tangible from this era means we can now begin to understand it.”

The find comes on the heels of numerous false leads, including the discovery of tombs and burial chambers dating from 4,000 B.C.E.—an era already amply covered by past archaeological digs. While searching for gravesites from the latter half of the 20th century, archaeologists stumbled upon no fewer than eight older sites, many clogged with hard-to-dig-through solid gold, silver, rare jewels and gemstones.

But yesterday, by digging upwards through the intact burial chamber of a third-century Egyptian high priestess, the team of archaeologists was able to uncover the grave, which, based on on-site carbon dating testing, is estimated at either 24 or 25 years old.

“It was tricky going at first, because there were several sharp diamond amulets and golden chalices that we had to blast through to get at the grave,” archaeologist Massua Sa-dir said. “But once we got through the first chamber, there it was in its glory—a pristine coffin untouched by grave robbers or erosion through-out the course of history.”

Though experts are still trying to piece the clues together, it is believed that the body belonged to a male held in high esteem in his society. Though no slaves were found buried with him, the remnants of a garment made up of three pieces with a strange neck adorn--ment re-main-ed intact on the body. Accor-ding to the limited amount of information that exists about the people of the mid-to-late 20th century, this was customary garb utilized either for special oc-casions or by people who were very important in their society.

Diggers on site, after several painstaking hours of removing the sarcophagus from its earth-filled grave, also found a pair of “shoes” and, in near-perfect condition, a “watch,” or “watch” as it was called back then. These were im-me--di-ately ta-ken from the skeletal re-mains and brought to the lab at the Uni-versity of Cai-ro for further study.

Also taken to the lab was the sarcophagus, a six foot by two and half foot box made of synthetic woods and metals. The metallurgy used in its construction appears to be highly advanced despite its estimated 35 years of age.

Archaeologists remain hopeful that there are more bodies buried in the area, relying on ancient legend that people from this time period had mass grave “yards” where loved ones were buried all together. Until now, this notion had been dismissed as absurd.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close