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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Egyptian Woman Wishes Screaming Protester Husband Would Go Bonkers For Her Once In A While

CAIRO—Sighing dejectedly Thursday morning as she watched her screaming husband depart for yet another massive anti-American protest in Tahrir Square, local woman Samira Khalil told reporters that she wished the hysterical man would go completely and utterly berserk for her once in a while. “Considering he spends all day unleashing a violent messianic fervor against our enemies, you’d think he could bring some of that same hysterical passion back to the bedroom sometimes,” said Khalil, adding that every time they’re about to get get hot and heavy in the sack, her husband’s mind wanders off to thoughts of jihad and fatwa. “As soon as he hears about a depiction of Muhammad, or some other brazenly evil work of the infidel, there’s this smoldering gleam in his eyes. But he never looks at me like that anymore.” Khalil added that when her husband returned home that night, she would try desecrating a Quran right in front of him to “get him all hot and bothered.”

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