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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.
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Egyptian Woman Wishes Screaming Protester Husband Would Go Bonkers For Her Once In A While

CAIRO—Sighing dejectedly Thursday morning as she watched her screaming husband depart for yet another massive anti-American protest in Tahrir Square, local woman Samira Khalil told reporters that she wished the hysterical man would go completely and utterly berserk for her once in a while. “Considering he spends all day unleashing a violent messianic fervor against our enemies, you’d think he could bring some of that same hysterical passion back to the bedroom sometimes,” said Khalil, adding that every time they’re about to get get hot and heavy in the sack, her husband’s mind wanders off to thoughts of jihad and fatwa. “As soon as he hears about a depiction of Muhammad, or some other brazenly evil work of the infidel, there’s this smoldering gleam in his eyes. But he never looks at me like that anymore.” Khalil added that when her husband returned home that night, she would try desecrating a Quran right in front of him to “get him all hot and bothered.”

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