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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Egyptians Concerned About Direction Government Is Toppling In

CAIRO—Responding to the ongoing struggle for power following the July 4 military overthrow of Mohamed Morsi, many Egyptian citizens expressed fears on Friday that their government may be toppling in the wrong direction. “These protests, the military power grabs, and the looming threat of civil war all make me wonder if this is how our society should ideally collapse, and if, in fact, we are utterly falling apart in the wisest and most prudent fashion,” said Cairo resident Chigaru Habib, adding that he believes there are “far better ways” in which stability should completely and irretrievably break down. “I remember a time—and it wasn’t very long ago—when Egypt was crumbling in harmony with the will of the Egyptian people, toppling bravely toward a future of peace and prosperity. But now it seems those days are long gone.” Planned elections next spring will reportedly allow Egyptians to vote on which direction the government will topple next.

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