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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Eight-Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veteran's Memorial Hospital removed a living eight-pound man from the confines of an area woman's vagina Monday.

Hessman

The unusually small man, who has refused to identify himself or give a reason for his presence in the vagina, was extremely disoriented throughout the incident, and, according to eyewitnesses, was "nude and covered in blood and gore." Though the man strenuously resisted rescue attempts, screaming and kicking wildly at medical personnel, he has not yet been charged with any crime.

The woman, Ruth Hessman, a 33-year-old systems analyst from nearby Plovis, was admitted to Veteran's Memorial Hospital late Sunday night complaining of strange, repeated abdominal pains and contractions occurring at regular intervals. When the painful episodes were five minutes apart, her husband drove her to the hospital.

"We get all kinds of strange things here in the emergency unit," said Dr. Carlos Mendoza, a surgeon at Veteran's General, "but this was something new. At first glance, Mrs. Hessman appeared to be obese, but upon closer examination, it became apparent that she was actually suffering from severe abdominal distension. After she described her painful symptoms, we conducted an examination of her vagina. Imagine our shock and surprise when we discovered that there, looking back at us, was a tiny human head."

After overcoming their initial shock, doctors discovered that the grotesque miniature head belonged to a small man. The attending physicians performed emergency surgery to forcibly remove him, and notified local police.

"At this time, we have no idea how this man came to be situated within the woman's vagina, or what motivation he might have had for being there," said Albuquerque police chief Burke Manning. "His dazed state, public defecating and lack of clothing suggest that he is a mentally ill homeless man who was seeking shelter. Yet it's hard to believe that someone so feeble and mentally disturbed would be capable of such an intrusion. We have not ruled out the possibility that he had help."

Manning is advising Albuquerque residents to stay calm. "This is likely an isolated event," he said. "But we are nevertheless considering conducting a search of all area vaginas to see if any more small, naked men are on the prowl."

The eight-pound man has thus far refused to cooperate with police, responding to all questions with strange gurgling noises. He is also prone to sudden, violent mood swings, resting peacefully one moment and wailing uncontrollably the next. Adding to the difficulty of establishing the man's identity is his almost complete lack of fingerprints and teeth, making a match with federal records impossible.

"This man seems to have undergone some sort of massive trauma within the last 24 hours which has, in effect, wiped his memory clean and turned his mind into a blank slate," Mendoza said. "To be honest, this case couldn't be any weirder if a stork had dropped him out of the sky."

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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