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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Eight Sailors Suspended In Boat-Clearing Brawl

RAS AL-KHAIMAH, UAE—Famed yacht club the Société Nautique de Genève suspended eight sailors from the Alinghi of Switzerland and BMW Oracle Racing teams Friday for their part in an ugly boat-clearing brawl during the 33rd America's Cup. Alinghi skipper Brad Butterworth reportedly triggered the melee when he charged the foredeck after BMW's afterguard Larry Ellison slab-reefed while their boat was on port tack. "These two teams have a history," said Alinghi midbowman Curtis Blewett referring to last year's race when an overly aggressive jibe caused both catamarans to clear. "It was pretty inevitable something was going to happen this time. You could tell they were out for blood." On-the-water umpires immediately ejected Butterworth, who was then forced to swim 17 miles to shore.

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