Eight Sailors Suspended In Boat-Clearing Brawl

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Vol 45 Issue 37

Web Gem Disappointing

URBANA, IL—The No. 3 Web Gem of the Day, Blue Jays third baseman Jose Bautista's backhand pickup of an Evan Longoria grounder, was a "great disappointment" to avid baseball fan Andrew Missel, who questioned whether the play deserved any honor at all. "So, what—he just short-hopped the ball?" asked Missel, who has often expressed deep dissatisfaction with the rankings and nominations of the Baseball Tonight segment.

East Carolina Grad Thinks East Carolina A State

JACKSONVILLE, FL—At a press conference Monday, Jaguars quarterback and East Carolina University alum David Garrard indicated through certain statements to reporters that "East Carolina" is one of the 50 United States. "I can say without hesitation that it is definitely my favorite of all the Carolinas," said the former ECU Pirate, who, when pressed, identified the imaginary commonwealth's capital as Greenville and its state bird as the red-necked grebe.

Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

WASHINGTON—Experts predict 39-year-old Doug Mahoney's most nutrient-rich layers will be washed away by the end of the decade, leaving little more than a desiccated, middle-aged wasteland.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Healthy Eating

Eight Sailors Suspended In Boat-Clearing Brawl

RAS AL-KHAIMAH, UAE—Famed yacht club the Société Nautique de Genève suspended eight sailors from the Alinghi of Switzerland and BMW Oracle Racing teams Friday for their part in an ugly boat-clearing brawl during the 33rd America's Cup. Alinghi skipper Brad Butterworth reportedly triggered the melee when he charged the foredeck after BMW's afterguard Larry Ellison slab-reefed while their boat was on port tack. "These two teams have a history," said Alinghi midbowman Curtis Blewett referring to last year's race when an overly aggressive jibe caused both catamarans to clear. "It was pretty inevitable something was going to happen this time. You could tell they were out for blood." On-the-water umpires immediately ejected Butterworth, who was then forced to swim 17 miles to shore.

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