Eighty Percent Of Al-Qaeda No. 2s Now Dead

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Vol 42 Issue 05

Most Fertile Irish Male Found

Irish scientists believe they have discovered the most fertile Irish male, a fifth-century warlord named Niall of the Nine Hostages with over 3 million offspring worldwide. What do you think?

Danish Cartoons Offend European Muslims

A series of recent political cartoons, published initially in Denmark and reprinted by seven other European newspapers, has offended Muslims with its depictions of Muhammad, including one with a bomb for a turban. What do you think?

Roger Federer Admits Tennis His Fourth-Favorite Sport

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—In a tearful admission following his seventh Grand Slam title at the Australian Open Sunday, Roger Federer told members of the press that, while he "like[s] tennis okay," there are at least three other sports he would...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Eighty Percent Of Al-Qaeda No. 2s Now Dead

WASHINGTON, DC—The Pentagon announced Monday that 80 percent of Osama bin Laden's seconds-in-command have been eliminated. "Nearly 1,600 al-Qaeda leaders ranked number two have been wiped out," Lt. Col. Mark Allison said. "That leaves only 400 of Osama bin Laden's right-hand men in the organization." Following the apparent failure to kill bin Laden's No. 2 man Ayman al-Zawahri in a missile strike on a Pakistani border town on Jan. 13, American forces intensified the search for al-Qaeda second-in-command Ahmed Al-Zahnami, or, failing that, No. 2 man Amman al-Zaharani, or No. 2 man Ahmed al-Zafarani.
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