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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Either Jay Leno A Repeat Or P. Diddy Got Arrested Again

MOUNT LEBANON, PA— According to Pittsburgh-area TV viewer Erik Allen, either Monday's Tonight Show With Jay Leno was a repeat or P. Diddy got arrested again. "Jay's monologue had all these jokes about P. Diddy getting busted for some kind of gun possession," Allen said. "I hadn't really heard anything about another arrest, so I figured it was a rerun. But that was, like, more than a year ago, right? Plus, I think he was still Puff Daddy back then, and Jay called him P. Diddy." Allen said he had hoped to gain insight from Leno's interviews with guests Lisa Kudrow and zookeeper Jack Hanna, but "neither seemed to be plugging anything all that time-specific."

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