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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Either Someone 14th Caller Or Everything On Fire At Spanish Radio Station

SAN JOSE, CA—According to sources, either a listener of local Spanish-language radio program Mañana Gigante con Luis y Moon Dog has just won some sort of promotional contest by being the 14th caller or the entire radio station is currently engulfed in flames. Protracted screams of "aye, aye, aye, muy caliente!" and "en fuego!" could be heard on the broadcast of either the celebratory exultation or out-of-control blaze, and were accompanied by the sounds of loud sirens, breaking glass, and dogs barking. As of press time, no emergency vehicles have been dispatched to the scene, and several witnesses have reportedly turned the dial to classic rock station 101.9 the Eagle just in time to catch the solo of either "War Pigs" or "Iron Man."

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